processing

I have been working on this piece for about four weeks now, read it if you dare...

prison: tattered pages

On Christmas Eve Mallory, Heidi and I went to service at our church. During the sermon our pastor shared a story. He had visited a max-prison here in Colorado recently and got to know a particular inmate's story pretty well. The inmate was sentenced to 60 years (or something like that) because of 23 charges against him due to a fight that he had been in. During his time in prison he spent some time in the hole (it sounds like fighting was his personality). All that was in this solitary confinement cell was a bed with no mattress and a toilet. That's it. 4 weeks in total isolation. However, during his time in the hole, he found a bible behind the toilet. Nobody is sure how it got there; if a previous inmate left it, if a guard left it, or if it was hand delivered by God. Despite how it got there, this inmate devoured the book, studying the very character of God. This inmate has become one of the most articulate theologians in the prison and now spends his time teaching about the bible.

As I listened to this story, I sat in the pews awestruck. A feeling a guilt and a sense of need filled me. I felt guilty because immediately I saw all the distractions in my life. We, as Americans, have become so materialistic. I have no time to devour the word of God. We almost have to be yanked out of our lives and thrown into a cell for four weeks to finally stop and hear what God has to say. I started thinking about what it would be like to be in that cell. I know that panic would seize me, but I think there would also be a extreme clarity. Those few moments in life when we realize none of the materials in this lifetime matter. We are really all as naked as that inmate in total isolation. This feeling of nakedness is uncomfortable. It hurts to think that we are not in control, so we just medicate ourselves with pride. We tell ourselves that we can make it work. We say "Thank you God but no thank you, but I got this from here." As I sat in the pew and watched the layers of stubborn pride peel back because of this sudden realization, I felt a need to learn more about God. I felt a need to pick up the bible. I felt a need to let God in. I had a urge to once again devour the bible for myself.

I thought about the amount of time that inmate spent reading that bible. I thought about his state of mind. I thought about his total desperation. I thought about his need and discovery for God. I wanted to be able to devour the bible like that. I would love to find my self that enamored by the bible. But as I picked up the bible there in that pew my old friend -doubt- started to whisper to me again. I started thinking "why should I put all my eggs in one basket?" Meaning, how do I know this is any different that Islam or Mormonism or colts for that matter? How do I know this is real? You know whats funny about this questioning? I have studied and studied on the reliability of the bible. All these other religions are new spin offs of the bible. The bible has been around for thousands of years and there are more reliable manuscripts to back it up than any other piece of literature we have. There should be no doubt that it is what it is, but I have doubt. Funny huh? No not really, because if the bible is what it is, then it says that we should expect this doubt. Why? Because we are made in the image of God. Meaning, we are made like no other animal. We have the ability to think that we ourselves are God. This is my struggle. I have to submit to God or I can go on living life under my own control. All of us have to make this decision on a moment to moment basis. It is a lot easier for me to give in to my own desires than it is to submit to God.

Because of this inner struggle, it's hard for me to pick up the bible. I find myself skeptical before I even crack it open. Just the weight of the book brings up a sudden uneasiness in my heart. So as I crack it open and look at the pages through my skeptical and uneasy lenses, I see a historical text book (not a gripping novel). All of the sudden I'm reminded of high school history. The books that I would read about three words and then my mind would wander to something else. I would then proceed to spend the next fifteen minutes re-reading the same line over and over again and still never really know what it was saying to me. So now I have a bible in my hands, I feel uneasy, and now I find myself completely uninterested in the history this book is offering to me. All of the sudden I want to put the bible back and I haven't even read a single word out of it. When I finally do start to read it, My mind is distant and full of doubt. About the only words that grab my attention are the paragraphs headings. I spend about 30 seconds and read about two pages worth of paragraph headings in the book of Micah, "that should be good enough, I think I got a good feel for where this book wants to go" and I close it up. This has been the extent of my bible reading for the last couple of months. It is so weird to feel the need to devour a book but at the same time be completely dulled by it.

God has chosen to reveal himself to us through the bible and through fellowship (people speaking into our lives). So it would make sense that if we want to know God, if we want to study his Character than we should read our bibles. Our bibles will show us his heart. Our bibles will show us his promises to us in our lives. Our bibles will show us that God is faithful. But as I thought about this there in that pew, I started to wonder if American Christianity has got it right? In America we can go to a big fancy church and read our bibles and pick and chose out of our vast buffet line of Christianity. Is this the way it is supposed to be? What about the people that don't have a bible or a church to go to? You see, I truly believe this is where life is engaged. Life is engaged outside of "our" four walls and in the real happenings of other people. This is when we really start to grasp at who God is. Just like that inmate locked in total isolation, or a tribe of indians who have not been corrupted by our Christianity insurance policy. In desperation is when we realize that we are not God, because that is when we need him to act on our behalf.

As I sat there ready to once again completely open up to God, I felt a sudden wave of doubt again. I started to wonder if my life would look any different If I really believed the bible was true? Would any of our lives look any different if we started to believe it was actually true? Why do I always feel like I have to be another person for any of it to be real? When I realized life would be the same when I walked out the front doors of the church, I once again slumped back into the calloused stubborn boundaries of my heart. What does any of it matter...

In conclusion, I am not preaching. This is not me trying to convince anyone of anything. In fact, I'm not even sure I argued a single logical point. This is me voicing my inner struggles. This is me describing my wrestling match with God over the last 6 months. I'm tired of American Christianity. I'm tired of my pride. I'm tired of feeling like I need someones approval all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never good enough. I'm tired of feeling like I'm bound by rules and conformity...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. Right now I'm enjoying my vacation and just basking in the after glow of a fantastic Christmas. This year was very special for me (ethan and my parents were here). I want to give a big fat thank you to everyone. This may sound cliche', but this year Christmas didn't involve me being super excited about gifts, but this Christmas was totally about giving and being thankful. Thank you God for giving us all something to celebrate...

I sure am glad last week is over

Man, last week was rough! Ethan came down with his first fever and graciously passed it along to me as well. Needless to say, there weren't very many restful nights. In the midst of exhaustion, we had to deal with Walter Drake closing their Colorado Springs office. So yes Mallory is now a stay at home mom, but I honestly don't know how long we can make it work... She has had to deal with a flood of emotions, while trying to stay calm and collected. She is such a trooper. I'm so proud of her.

Chug-a-lug

This is me writing without really having anything to write about. Life has been crazy busy and it stresses me out. I hate feeling like it's flying by, but it is. Our little monkey man will be a year old in two days. I can't believe it! I'm so stoked for his party, he's gonna love it.
I got all my Christmas decorating chores done, thank God. One less thing to worry about. Now I can just enjoy the season without feeling behind schedule.
So right now I'm just waiting for my vacation time. I'm taking the week of Christmas off and I totally can't wait. No more work, no more training, no more trying to impress the boss, no more trying to handle it all. I'm ready for some family time....
P.S. IT"S SNOWING!!!!!

Happy Turkey Day

Today is the day after thanksgiving and I am having a very hard time getting back into things. Holidays make me realize how busy I truly am. Very rarely do I get to relax, spend time with my wife and son, watch movies, enjoy large family gatherings, watch football and eat tons of food. At the end of the day last night, when I realized I had to get back into things the next morning, I started to wonder why I cared so much about all the stresses in life. I feel so relaxed that I just want to be at home, I think I just want some more time away from it all...

Season Finale

Today marks the end of my running season and one year anniversary of running races. My very first race was the Turkey Trot last year in which I ran the 3.1 miles in 30:30. Today, one year later, I ran it in 26 minutes. I ran a 8:22 mile! Not to shabby, could always be better though.
I have totally shocked my body over this last year. I have put over 415 miles on these tired legs. I'm hooked though and I look forward to next season and what kind of races and surprises it may bring.
Maybe I'll celebrate tomorrow morning with a ten mile run...

I have officially made it through the fall series

Today I finished my forth race in the Colorado fall series. I have survived a brutal, brutal beat down. This series was intense: from running up creeks, to climbing rope walls, to hurdling extremely rugged rocks and trails. All said and done, I finished dead last in my age group (15 of 15) and 104 of 146 men. I'm disappointed with the results because I feel like I put a whole lot of more effort into this than what is represented by my finish times. But also looking back on the courses, these were some kick ass courses. Some of the inclines were so steep we could all do nothing but hike. This marks a huge accomplishment for me. This is my first series completion. To give you an idea of how big it is to make it through all four races, 425 people did not make it through all four. Only 253 out of around 678 made it, and I placed 142 out of the 253. Not too bad I guess. Could always be better though...

money, money, money

So i was at this customers house the other day and the man lived down by the Broadmoor hotel, to say the least he had a huge house. We got to talking about his past and it turns out he was a stock broker. The man told me in 1980 he claimed more than a million dollars on his w-2. That is sick! And you know, it actually made me envious. He doesn't have to worry about the stock market. He doesn't have to worry about being layed-off. He doesn't have to worry about brushing off all the s*** that gets dumped on a person like me. He retired at 47 years old.
If he did it, why can't I? I know I'm not supposed to covet my neighbors stuff, and honestly that's not the direction I'm trying to go with this. I am wondering why I haven't pursued anything else. Am I just supposed to work for a pathetic wage for the rest of my life? I doubt it. Here is a man who is a self made millionaire. Everybody has the opportunity. So, why can't I make something more of myself? My wife would love to stay at home. She would love a bigger house. I know the Broadmoor is a little bit of a lifestyle jump, but even just something besides our cookie cutter house now. I know I can do it. I know I am a whole lot more capable than some of these jerks. I feel like something is holding me back though. Is it fear? Ignorance? I guess I'm comfortable where I am and so I just keep waiting for something else to be handed to me (maybe Obama will hand me everything, like he promised). I don't know what I supposed to be, but I am tired of worrying if tomorrow we will be in bankruptcy and foreclosure. I just want to know my family will be OK, and that I am not wasting my life unnecessarily shoveling piles of crap for pathetic pay... Then again, at least I have a job.

Christmas list

I know it seems tacky, but I am going to try to keep my Christmas wish list on my blog this year (Just look to right side of your screen). I know this reeks of selfishness, but I figured it might also help everyone keep an updated list. That way, if I have any new ideas I can just add them on. I'll try to keep it categorized for easy reference. I hope this helps, if it's stupid let me know. Or better yet call this toll free number 1-800-eat-poop

Death while running

OK, so I have been playing tug of war with myself over the last week or so. I recently heard in the news a man died after completing the New City Marathon. Then I get my monthly Runners World magazine, and low and behold, it has an article about the likely hood of dying during or after races. From what I understand, runners have an elevated chance of a heart attack during the run. But after the run is over, runners stand a better chance of not suffering a heart attack. I guess the chance of dying is something like 1 in 75,000 runners. So, I know the likelihood is pretty slim, but still, this information has totally deflated me. I used to see a hill and wonder if I could take it, now I see a hill and wonder if I'd live. I don't know how to get this out of my head. Thursday morning I went out for a 10 mile run and felt like I was carrying a 50 pound weight on my shoulders. My anxiety really makes it hard for me not to worry about stuff like this, I now worry about every little cramp and pain I feel. However if I honestly looked at it, I am probably more likely to get hit riding my bike to and from work. Running actually is better for me because it keeps me fit and helps with cholesterol, and blood pressure. So I guess it just becomes a choose. Which do I do? Do I run strong and laugh at death, or do I tip toe around it and hope other tragedies don't get me in life? I think I'll grab this one by the horns and go out running...

Hush-hush, not your political view...

Everyone seems so weirded out when I give my political opinion. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to give everyone a chance. Maybe it's because I'm Christian, therefore I have to submit to whoever is given authority under God. Maybe it's because I have a warped and twisted opinion. Maybe I'm too passionate about my beliefs. Whatever the case, I say tough cookies. I'm gonna say what I have to say...
I want to start by saying that I am extremely proud of Barack Obama's accomplishments. The man finished top of his class at Harvard. And for those of you who may not know, he is also our first black president. Barack is legendary in his accomplishments. However, I believe Americas selfishness reigns high above any one man. Here is a country who will kill it's babies if it suits me, will neglect it's helpless if it suits me, will give me free hand outs if I don't do anything for myself. The liberal agenda has dominated the mainstream and here we are following like cattle. Since when does Hollywood have a clue? When did Matt Damon and Oprah become our source of intelligence? God help our ignorant country. We have forgotten God and instead look to our own desires to guide us. Forget what I can do for my country, what can my country do for me? This has become our 21st century motto, and Barack Obama's presidential vision. Mark my words, our country is not far from demise. Our country cannot hold true with liberal judges, representatives, senators, and presidents redefining our life, our money, our families and our constitution. If anyone truly understood socialism and liberalism, they would absolutely vote against it.
But then again, I guess I don't have to worry about anything, messiah Barack will save us all...

I have been unexpectedly delayed

I have a ton of new ideas to write about, but our computer is on the fritz. Once we get this all worked out, don't be surprised if I just unload the mind bomb an ya...

Coloardo College race results

Once again, I am totally pumped about my latest race results. I normally don't like writing about my results, but lately this has been a huge spirit lifter for me. Please forgive me if I sound like I'm bragging, because there are a lot of people faster than me. These are big accomplishments for me.

My latest race was Saturday morning 10/11, it was called the CC Tiger Classic 5K. I ran my fastest race to date, completing it in 25:14. That means I ran a 8:08 minute mile. That is pretty dang fast compared to my normal 9:30 minute mile. I finished 11 of 16 in my age group, and 53 of 154 total. To say the least, I was glowing all weekend...

Road Kill

OK, so I have always wondered who cleans up the animals that have been tragically annihilated by oncoming traffic. Yesterday I finally saw a truck cleaning up a deer left on the side of a road. Just in case you were wondering as well, the DOT has a flatbed truck they use to toss the animals into. But instead of answering a question, it instead leaves my perplexed. What do they do with the remains? Do they just toss it somewhere and let it rot? Does it just go to our landfill (I wouldn't want to end up there)? Or do they clean it out and use it for something? In fact I'm not all that certain I want to know, come to think of it...

Race results

I ran a 10K (6.2 miles), The Great Pumpkin Race, on Saturday morning 9/27. I have been anxiously waiting for them to post my results and I finally saw them. I feel like jumping up and down. I ran extremely well compared to my last race performances. I ran it in 55:26. Out of 153 racers I finished 66th. In my age group I finished third (of course there were only three racers in my age group, but I don't care~ I'll take third any day!!!!). I am really, really happy with this posting! I'm not a fast runner, but I hang in there. Check out the link...

Mallory showed me how to put music on this blizzog and I am totally pumped about it. Yeah I know, it doesn’t take much to excite me…

puppet master or close friend

OK so I have two predominant views about who God could be: puppet master or a close friend. The puppet master is a completely sovereign God who is responsible for all actions and movements in life. This God is in complete control of our every move and enjoys toying with us. We are basically here for his entertainment. This is what I think about when I think of the word “sovereign.” In fact this logic tends to lead me to be very angry with God. I blame God for everything that happens to me, because it is just a test for his selfish desires. God becomes my own personal big bully. When I think of God as a puppet master I become very disinterested and tend to not even care if he’s there. The close friend is the God I find comfort in. This version of God tends to warm my heart. A God that cares about my goals, my races, my feelings, my thoughts, my accomplishments, my frustrations and cares about it very deeply. When everyone else just shrugs me off with a pleasant little smile and nod, he cares with passion and excitement. In the midst of a sea of faces I know I am special to him. I may be average and non-existent in the world, but God cares beyond what any of my closest family and friends could ever care. God knows who I am beyond just perception. This is God I have hope and faith will be there to rescue me from the hands of death…

Creating God

A really good friend of mine went and spoke with his pastor today, because he has been so down-and-out due to circumstances that have happened in his life lately. I’ll spare the details for the sake of my friend’s privacy, but the conversation he had with his pastor really opened my eyes. In essence his pastor told him to quit being the victim and start being grateful for what he does have. (I’m sorry this may not make a lot of sense, but I really shouldn’t share more of his story).
It got me thinking: What makes us think we deserve so much more than what we have been given? What makes ME think I deserve so much more than what I have been given? A quote I commonly refer to from the audio CD’s in my Starting Point class has been stirring in me again:
“Essentially this is what your problem boils down to: You think to yourself, if there were a God here is what He would look like. But since the way I have decided God would look like doesn’t match up with current reality, then God obviously must not be there. You have decided what God could and would be like if there were a God. You have created a God in your mind, but since there is no evidence of that God anywhere, you have come to the conclusion that God does not exist.

Reflecting

I was running the other day past a church and the church had a little bench in a quite remote spot in the woods that had a sign posted saying, “a place for prayer and reflection.” I thought to myself, that’s silly. We as Christians really do legalistically overdue things. Why do we need a special bench for this? I think we get too spiritual. However, it did make me start thinking thought about my reflection time. Do I reflect on life? Come to think of it, I do. I spend a lot of time reflecting on life. In fact my whole workday is reflection for me. I drive around town with the radio off and just think about whatever floods my mind. Lately, I have been reflecting on all the past relationships I have had. I did a service call to a house the other day that just so happened to be the mother of a very old friend of mine. It has brought up a lot of deep emotions for me. I have had a lot of heartbreak lately over the relationships of my past that just seemed to have disappeared into the abyss. I have had several different groups of really close friends throughout my life and each has seemed to just come to a quick end. It breaks my heart to think how I just kinda stopped talking to everyone and moved on to the next stage in my life without so much as a second thought. Well now it seems to be biting me in the butt. I really do long to have a continuing deep friendship with all of those I truly did love.

training, training, training

OK, so I have to confess I have been totally into working out lately. In fact, it has become quite an obsession. During that last few months I have purchased a Fuji mountain bike. My goal is to compete in next years Western State Games triathlon. My father-in-law competed in this past years triathlon and totally rocked at it. So I have been inspired, to say the least.
So I have been hitting it hard and dramatically cleaning up my diet. In a previous blog I talked about my liver issues, and I am still waiting to see a specialist on October 6th. However, the liver issues have really helped keep me accountable to a clean diet. I haven't touched soda or alcohol since finding out the news, which is really good for me because I tend to lean toward a dependency on junk food and liquor. So, here is my schedule so far:
Sunday- I try to bike around the town for 15-20 miles
Monday- I take a day off for rest
Tuesday- Go to the Y and run~ 5K-10K and swim
Wednesday- Bike to work, but take an extended route~ 15 miles
Thursday- Bike to work~ 11miles, and run~ 5K
Friday- Bike to work~ 11 miles, and run~ 5K
Saturday- I take a day off for rest

I'm still working on it and it changes from week to week, so who knows. This week I'm preparing for "The Great Pumpkin 10K" this coming up Saturday morning." Wish me luck

23 Minutes in hell, part 2

OK, so I'm sitting here thinking about that book "23 mintues in hell." He specifically remembers the absolute complete isolation and torture he experienced in hell. And because of this, he also remembers thinking how much he missed the relationships he had in his life. He wasn't thinking about the newest toys, his house, his career, or his golf swing. He desperately missed his wife and those he loved.

Outside of God, there is only complete isolation. If God is love, there can be no relationships outside of His presence.

This makes my heart very heavy. Those who know me, know that I'm not a relationship pro. I'm terrible at calling and developing relationships. Why? oh, probably because I'm too busy worrying about our future, money, the house, chores (the never ending to-do list). You know, stuff that doesn't mean a damn thing in the end. I have a hard time developing intimacy because I don't want to let anyone in. But in the end, what am I really losing?

Hello again

I have taken a little break from everything lately. I haven't posted lately. Really, I haven't been into life lately. I know I might sound down and out to a lot of you, but I think I just needed some time to grieve. I think we have to go through a grieving process with any loss. I really felt like a big piece of my dreams was crushed during my wrestling match with God. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was so determined and excited that it broke my heart when my possible future career was yanked out from under me. I became very depressed and took an honest inventory of my life. People have swarmed me and told me that God still loves me. I felt like a little kid being pitied for scrapping his knee. Honestly, I didn't want to hear it. I kept thinking to myself, then where was He when I needed him? I grew tired of talking to everyone and having to explain my emotions over and over again. I just needed time to know if I could ever trust God again. I can't say I'm fully over it yet, but I think I am honestly starting to grow again. With a little help, I'm getting past the grieving process. Trusting God is starting to make sense again.

I would like to say a special thank you to my wife for understanding. When everyone else thought I needed to be more spiritual, you supported me living through real emotions. Thank you for being my best friend.

23 Minutes in hell

I just finished a book called 23 minutes in hell. To tell you the truth I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was a very interesting read, but disturbing. He is either lying or we are in deep trouble. I found myself drawn to it and I couldn't put it down. The toughest part is I found myself wondering if this was really true or not. The guy claims to have spent 23 minutes in hell and shares his eye witness testimony of the complete horror he felt. It is very hard to just assume he is telling the truth but he seems to tell a very genuine story. Hell seems to be a place of rotting, unbearable heats, stenches, pain and mind numbing insanity. Although if you picture life without God (rest, peace, safety, protection, wisdom, strength) I guess Hell is what you got left... What's amazing is, we chose this path because of pride. It's already taken care of and God doesn't want us in this place. Hell was made for the fallen angels, not us. We're just too damn stubborn to do it His way.

What have I been up to?

What have I been up to? Not much I guess……….
1.Golf: I have been working on my golf game quite a bit this summer. I have been going out about twice a week now for the last month or two. It is a really neat to be able to play with my in-laws and my buddies from work. I’m not great; in fact, I’m not even that good. I’m proud of my self though; I have improved my average score. This year I’m shooting right at about a 52 for nine. Hey, I still beat my father and mother-in-law (that’s all that matters).
2. Mini-vacation: This week my wife’s family is in town from Buffalo and my mom is in town on business, so I'm taking a little six-day vacation. My work stress level is pretty high right now because I am the only La-Z-Boy technician at our store, and that did not make leaving this last weekend any easier. But now that I’m away I’m starting to wonder what all the fuss was about anyway…
3. Classic run: Saturday July 26^th I ran the Classic Grand Prix 10k run here in Colorado Springs. I didn’t do well at all. In fact I totally huffed and puffed my to the finish line. I ran it in 58:20, which is a 9:20 mile. That sucks ass, considering the race is downhill! I finished in 252^nd place. And to add injury to insult, I really strained the arch in my right foot so I have been limping all this week. Hey, but I ran it and I didn’t stop. Lets see you try next time….
4. Supporting our friend JR: Mallory and I have decided to support our friend JR Briggs with our church tithe money. JR is venturing out onto his own starting his own church in Pennsylvania (something he never thought he would do). For those of you who aren’t sure who JR is, he was the groom’s man in our wedding. We have decided to withdrawal our current contribution to our church and use it where we feel it would best serve God and his community. (Check out his blog, it’s in my favorites list).
5. Medical bills!!!: Talk about stress, we just put over $2100 in the mail for medical bills. Our current insurance is a pain in the butt, but it works a little bit and it has really low monthly premiums…
6. Motivation is dwindling: My motivation is severely dwindling. I always feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Even on vacation this week I feel out of control. My life is so busy that I want to half ass everything. I have no drive or motivation to finish or complete anything. Even normal household chores are daunting. I just want to sit on my fat butt and let the world pass by sometimes.
7. House work: speaking of daunting chores, we have this stupid yard thing that is always haunting us. This year I have been consumed on my days off with the yard. We have a really high maintenance HOA that is bugging the piss out of everyone, and so the expectation of the yard has become overwhelming. But week-by-week we’re making it work. We still have the back yard patio to build though. I will be so happy when I don’t have that haunting me anymore.
8. Baby dedication: Ethan Michael had his baby dedication this past Sunday. It is not a baptism. We, as his parents, understand that we cannot pronounce salvation for him. That is a decision he will have to make on his own, and baptism is a sign of that decision. Instead this was a time of celebration for us as new parents; a time were we can make a covenant before God and our family to do the best we can in raising him in truth and light. It turned out to be a very short but very intimate and touching ceremony. Ethan and Mallory where so adorable, as always!
9. Drinking a lot of beer: I have been drinking a lot of beer lately. In fact I have just been drinking a lot lately. My soda consumption is sky high and my alcohol intake is not much better. Is it any wonder I have liver issues? The doctor called me again yesterday to tell me my liver enzymes are elevated still. This is something I have been struggling with for months now. So I have to go in for a liver-ultra-sound to make sure there is nothing going on down there. Mallory mentioned to me that it probably wouldn’t hurt to stop drinking. I think she is right, but I don’t want to. What would life be like without the soda and beer? Would I function differently? Could this be what is behind my lack of motivation and slow running speeds?

Maturity, me?

It took me 27 years but I finally admitted it. Yesterday I came to the realization that I don't want to grow up. I desperately hold on to immaturity, not wanting to give it up for an appropriate adult/parent lifestyle. I struggle with being the man I know I should be and the man I tend to revert to to avoid life. I have a habit of running away from life and looking to temporary highs to get me by. Obnoxiously goofing around, drinking, control, lustful desires, anger, you name it... I know this is not just how I was wired because all these things leave me feeling empty and stupid.

The issues becomes: How do I let go of the temptations to grab real fulfillment? How do I let go of the matchbox car so I can hold my dads hand? If ever there is a time for God to work, it is now!

The year of living biblically

I just finished The Year Of Living Biblically, by AJ Jacobs. What an awesome book! I loved it and look forward to reading it again. I highly recommend it. It's not your typical modern day action packed thriller, instead it is just a guy wrestling with life and the good book.

AJ spent his year trying to fulfill the bible literally and interviewing every denomination he could manage to get his hands on. A fascinating observation he made throughout his year: The year showed me beyond a doubt that everyone practices cafeteria religion (picking and choosing what we want). It's not just moderates. Fundamentalists do it too. They can't heap everything onto their plate...

The right wing

Right now I’m almost finished reading AJ Jacobs book “The year of living biblically.” I love it. AJ has a Jewish background and spends a year on a quest to meet the God of the Bible. He seems comfortable with the Old Testament rituals but hesitant with the New Testament. He knows his hesitation has a lot to do with his family heritage but he is also reserved because of Christian fundamentalists and confusion within its own camp. It is so awesome for me to get such a fresh view on things. Here’s a man committed to literally fulfilling every command and suggestion in the bible but not so sure Christianity is the real deal. AJ has helped me to step back and see the Jewish tradition and history within the bible. It has also helped me to see the political and self-willed agenda Christianity carries with it. Christianity seems so politically aligned that maybe we have forgotten the bible. I know I have. I spent so much time creating my own little stereotypical God, that I forgot how big life is. My mascot-god, my pocket size version, god created in my image. When my mascot couldn’t deliver what I wanted, I gave up on God. When I asked my genie for three wishes and got nothing, I could no longer believe in God. I was so busy speaking for God, I never knew who he was. My political agenda became priority. I find myself bitter with the church for having the same motivation as myself. I think that is what leaves me so frustrated with Christianity, political corruption. Everyone wants it their way and thinks they have some kind of insiders edge…

“Many of us in the evangelical community believe that evangelical Christianity has become captured and enslaved by the religious right, It’s loyalty seems to be more to the platform of the republican party than to the radical teachings of Jesus.”

A seemingly absent God

My dad sent me an email today about signs. He asked himself: if God is real, why doesn’t he just give me a sign? He had an epiphany. Could his sign be his life? He’s still married, he’s healthy, he’s not poor, he’s got a great job, etc…

I’m impressed with his thought. I am currently struggling with this same issue. I am not so sure I want to trust and believe this seemingly absent God. To me, right now, he seems absent. I don’t feel his presence. I don’t hear his voice. I’m not so sure I want to believe the bible is all he has to say. I don’t feel forcibly moved by him. I’m not even sure he exists. In a recent sermon I heard, the pastor talked about authority. What governs my life? Is it the bible, the word of God, or is it something else? There are two types of unbelief: 1.) Ignorance, just not knowing the truth, 2.) and knowing the truth but choosing not to believe it. I found myself in awe of his view of the bible. For a moment in time, I wished I were him. Just so I could trust something that whole-heartedly. But I obviously have control issues. Do I have the authority over my life or does God? For me the answer is simple. I want the control over my life, because I’m not so sure I can trust a seemingly absent God. I want a sign… But maybe my dad is right. Could my very existence, my life, everything I have been given, be my sign? Have I grown so accustomed to seeing God in my life that I no longer see him? And really if God showed me a sign wouldn’t I just want another one?

The prophets, like the psalmists, make God's care part of their message. Discouragement plagued the Israelites in exile. They felt abandoned by God. The prophets often speak to those who face discouragement at every turn. Their careers aren't what they expected. Their bank-account balance always seems less that what they need to make ends meet. Friends turn their backs, family doesn't seem to understand, and God seems absent. The prophets remain news of justice, righteousness, hope and liberation. ~Evangelistic preaching that connects

Spoken right into my life!

Quote

When I see a sunset, I don't want someone explaining to me what's physically happening with the sun. To offer a scientific explanation about the myriad of colors would ruin the moment. When I go to a museum to view fine art works, please don't tell me what they mean. Art exists less to be analyzed than to be experienced. I listen to Mozart, Beethoven and Bach for the pleasure the music brings, for the emotions it evokes. I'm not sure I always know what it means, but I know how it causes me to feel.
~Craig Loscalzo

Fathers Day

What an awesome Fathers day I had! My beautiful wife took very good care of me. I got blueberry pancakes, then I got to spend the day with my monkey man at the zoo. It was my favorite fathers day to date! (besides the idiot drivers, sickness, heat, exhaustion, going on little sleep, stinky (smokers not animals) and forgetting to call my own father).

Scary as hell

Through out the bible God has set his people apart. But his people were never the rock stars or the glamorous; instead they were the bearded, full-clothed freaks. God definitely got peoples attention if that’s what he wanted to do. But I don’t think outsiders saw this group of people and wanted to be them. A lot like if you see an Amish believer now a days. You don’t really want to pull over right that minute and commit yourself to their lifestyle right then and there. In fact you often see these people and wonder why. Why do we have to look like freaks? This whole believing in God thing just seems too bizarre and scary as hell.

Why is it so hard for me to just give in? Why not completely submit to God? I’ll tell you why, because IT’S SCARY AS HELL. If I completely submit, who knows what that may mean? Knocking on doors, dressing weird, becoming some geek in a coffee shop, talking all soft and fruity, no more joking, no more guy moments, maybe selling everything I own, giving stuff away, trusting, becoming anti-everything, etc.

P.S. I Love You

Mallory and I just saw the movie “P.S. I love you.” This is a terrific movie. It is a romantic heart wrenching film. Three main characters stick out to me:

1. Of course the main actor, who dies. His sacrificing love is intimidating and inspiring. I often found myself in awe of his patience with dealing with a seemingly pushy and demanding wife.
2. The widow: Her character displays everything we never want to go through, but something all of us have dealt with. There is an honest longing in her heart for passion.
   
3. The Mom of the widow: This lady was the most powerful for me. A woman plagued with bitterness. Her husband left her and she wants the world to know it by ruining love. Toward the end of the movie she says “I’m been angry for a very long time now, and I’m exhausted.” The moment she said this my heart stopped dead in it’s tracks. Here is a lady who forgot how to love. If anything, this movie subtly reminded me that I have forgotten how to love. I’m so busy being pissed off, that I forgot how to love.
   

Facing reality

I have never been good with words. I have never been good with thoughts. I have never been good with emotions. I have never been good at expressing myself. I have never been good with creating anything, only learning what others have created. I’m a learner. That’s about it. I don’t have long conversations in my head. I get caught up on a certain sentence in my head and it plays in continual loops. I can’t really think anything completely through, because I’m not creative enough to think of everything. Prayer is wasted time for me, because I never know what I’m supposed to say and it all sounds so forced. I can only piggyback off of what has been taught to me. I’m a born listener. If I give advice, it’s only because I picked up on a catchy saying somewhere down the line. To tell you the truth, it’s frustrating. I feel like a small sponge sitting in the middle of a vast ocean. So much life going on around me and I can’t do anything for myself. The only thing I can do is ask questions and that becomes burdensome for most people. My mom always told me that around thirty I would start to find out who I really am. I don’t know if this is completely that point in my life, but there is a definite reality check happening right now. I know I need to be answering some questions, but to tell you the truth it’s only a feeling I have. I don’t know what I’m supposed to answer. I do know that my conscious is being torn apart about my faith. Do I believe in God or not? It’s haunting me. Every time I turn around that question eats away at my stomach and guilt runs wild. I’m struggling with the idea of who God is. He has never told me. Instead I’m left to just guess and frankly it kind of pisses me off. I have never been good at this. He certainly doesn’t seem to be helping. Now granted, since I have asked him to answer me a lot of information has come my way proving that Christ could very reasonably be God. But on the other side of the coin, I was looking for this information. I could have found any answer I wanted in the vast library of opinions. But I stuck with what felt more comfortable to me. I have claimed to be a Christian for a while now. In fact I find myself willing to debate with almost anyone on “truth.” It’s a big question and I want to know the answer! I think my anger stems from this idea. I feel plagued with the desire to know. I just want to know for sure. But God doesn’t want me to know for sure. I feel very angry, why bully me around? Why torment me with simple games? Why remain so quite? Because it takes faith to believe, I am always questioning my faith. So I think it’s time for me to quit playing on the fence and decide which side to land on. Here’s my choice: Irrational self-justification or a seemingly absent God. My heart tells me that I will pick God in the end, but my head tells me that God has let me down. I don’t know when I’ll find an answer. I don’t know if I’ll find an answer. But I do know that I can listen. So here’s my new mission inspired by the current book I reading (AJ Jacobs "one year of living biblically"). I will go through the motions. I will try to listen to God, his way. Until I have finished my semester left of school I will go through the motions. So here’s the deal:

1. No tobacco, alcohol, lust.
2. In the morning before anything else, I will read some of my bible.
3. I will commit to praying or journaling daily.
4. I will keep a log of my failures, accessible to anyone who wants to know.

I'm not so sure I want the full package. It scares me.

Last night I just started writing:

Are you there God? Are you really there? because you sure aren't acting like you are. But then again, neither am I. I'm not acting like your here either. So where does this leave me? Do I need to start acting like you are there? Would that make it all better? If I am so important, why do I feel so alone and worthless? That at any moment you will punish me and take everything away. I guess the true question becomes, what will it take for me to acknowledge you are here? What will it take for me to finally submit to you? This whole time I've been angry with you, because you've been acting like you weren't here, but really, I have been angry with you because I have been pretending that you weren't here...

To be honest God, I'm not so sure I want the full package. It scares me.

Florida trip

We just got back from our Florida trip. We traveled to the distant land of Florida to watch my baby sister get married. It was awesome! I am SO happy for her. She was absolutely a beautiful, glowing bride (minus the whole bridezilla thing before the wedding). I can’t believe she’s married, but she picked the right man. Her husband is an awesome guy. We got to connect a little bit before the wedding and I’m so impressed with the size of his heart. I find myself a little jealous of where they are at and all the new and exciting things they are experiencing.

The rest of the vacation, however, was exhausting. Traveling with a 6-month-old infant is a very challenging adventure. We hardly slept and found ourselves easily irritated. It was trying to say the least. All and all though we did get to have some fun and spend some time with family.

A couple of things really sunk home for me on this trip. One of them happened during the wedding ceremony. Pastor Mike made a simple statement that put marriage in perspective. He said "marriage is not picking the right mate, but being the right mate." Implying that marriage isn’t about sitting back and being waited on, but it is instead an act of service. Marriage is supposed to be about me serving my wife, not me imposing thick expectations on her. The second thing that happened was a late night religious debate between my dad, my uncle and myself. During this debate, the question was asked of me “do you think your better me.” Implying that at some point during the debate I came off as a know it all. This is not how I want to be heard at all. It breaks my heart that all their past short comings with the church are taken out on me because of my religious beliefs. What stirs me about this is, is that the whole trip they were ripping on Christians. Acting as if they are so much better than me. I don’t get it. And they say Christians are hypocrites?

angry

I haven’t blogged much lately because I have been angry and living in sin. I have been very angry. I have been down right bitter. In fact I have been so bitter I forget what I was so bitter about to start with. I have been lost in a whirlwind of anger. Everything is spinning around me in this blur and occasionally I’ll catch a glance of something going on in my life. I have been so angry about my past, my parents, work, school, intimacy, etc… You name it I was enraged over it. I could picture myself being 80 years old and blaming God for how my one shot at life turned out. I thought I deserved more from God…

unbelief

All sin is rooted in unbelief.

The Lord spoke, "Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself? Job 40:8

Pride has dominated my life

Wow, have I been ensnared in a trap of lies! Pride has dominated my life! For the so many weeks now I have been gloomy and depressed, mopping around like a dillweed. What makes me think I deserve anything? Pride had choked out any sensibility I had. I found myself bitter about every little thing because it justified my pride. In my mind God was wrong and I was right. Bitterness over broken situations was just feeding my ego because it proved to me that everyone else is wrong, nobody can get it right, and everyone else is to blame for my life.

Or could it be that I don’t deserve a thing, in fact the only thing I might deserve is to be given over to my own desires. For God to turn me over to my anger and pride and let them control my life.

That sounds exactly like what’s happening to… what a minute…

bearing the burden

Mike,

How long will you keep bearing the burden? How long will you keep trying to carry the weight you have taken upon yourself? When will you trust God? How much will it take?

You can hardly stand on your own anymore…

Little sayings!?!?

~Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

~What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things, instead of using people and loving things.

These little sayings keep popping up in my life. Constantly pecking at me and my need for humility. I struggle with humility. My pride is deep. My soul wants the attention. My soul craves control. Can I ever fully trust Him to care for me in that most vulnerable state?

The exorcism of Emily Rose

My wife shared with me a very interesting thought from the movie: The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

When Emily was given the option to call it quits and just die or to keep fighting the devil inside of her, she chose to keep fighting her horrendous possession. Her reason was “How can they not believe in God, if I show people the devil.”

The movie: Signs

Signs is one of my all time favorite movies. In the movie, a man gives up on God because of a tragic accident. He states that he will no longer waste any of his life on prayer. This is a fantastic depiction of how I sometimes feel when something seems to be ripped from my hands. Is there even a God? Why am I wasting my time doing this and that only to be left feeling abandoned instead of blessed? Signs dives deep into the sense of abandonment this man feels from God. The end of the movie gives a chilling analogy that there are no coincidences. Everything has happened for a reason. I found myself in awe with goose bumps. A sobering reality: life is not random, whether I like the circumstances or not.

Does God understand?

I find myself completely disappointed this week. I feel like I have been overlooked and let down by my church yet again. I know God has my best interest at heart, but it sure doesn't feel like it lately. I'm not entirely sure where that leaves me. I want to walk away completely but yet I also know that God will use these situations to help me grow. I'm pissed off, I'm bitter, I feel burned, I feel let down, and I'm not so sure I want to trust again. Does God understand? In these times, do I really believe that God is walking beside me? that I am not alone?

Drugs?

I have to share this story with you...

This past week a friend of mine asked me about drugs. Are drugs a sin and why?

You see, his lifestyle leads him to a group of people that live and die by the gun. God is an absent being to them; why else would their lives reflect such hardship.

I honestly had to look my friend in the eye and tell him that yes drugs and this lifestyle are a sin. This took him back. I guess a street evangelist from the night before had confronted his friends and their life style. His had the hardest time wrapping his mind around this. "This isn't fair, his friends are just making life work. They are doing the best they can with the hand they have been dealt", right? I can’t say I blame him. I have been there too. I was once very much involved in the street life.

The question I possessed to him in response was, who is God? You see, we all set up images of who we think God would be if we were God. And when life doesn’t add up to what we want, we think God doesn’t exist. This lifestyle is about the fast and furious temporary highs; Sex, drugs, alcohol, fast cars and guns. All of these are highs that make us feel like we are in control. It is not about the lifestyle they have been dealt, but instead the lifestyles they have chosen to deal with life. When we look away from God, we find darkness, desperation, hopelessness and broken hearts. The drug is not the sin, what we do with the drug is the sin. Sin is choosing or own ways. Sin is us worshiping ourselves or materials in place of God.

Do we worship creation, or Creator?

Interesting thought

As Christ witnesses, our task is not to prove that Jesus Christ is real and is the Son of God, that we can never do. Instead, our role is to show by the way we speak and act that we really believe He is.
~Richard Armstrong

Do I really believe He is? In my heart of hearts, do I really believe Jesus is my only savior. Or instead do I look to my status, my career, drugs or alcohol, my education level, the government, my family, my spouse, my dreams and life ambitions. Not that these things are bad, but how often do I look to tangible sources to comfort me, before I look to the One True Source of rest and peace?

God is also God of the future

"God is also the God of the future. We don't step out into the unknown alone." Craig Loscalzo

This brings a sigh of relief into my life at a time when I most desperately need Him: we don't step out into the unknown alone. Often I tend to overwhelm myself with future tasks and "what ifs?". God promises He is my closest friend, my teacher, my bridegroom. God is in complete control, do I trust Him? Do I believe He will pull through like He has promised?

Across The Universe

I just saw “Across The Universe.” What an awesome movie! I absolutely loved it. It was raw in every sense of the word. This movie is an expressive, historical depiction, orchestrated by the songs of the Beatles. The expressions in the movie are phenomenal. I found myself captivated by the emotions of love, freedom and the pursuit of our passion.

After the movie, I went for a walk. I took a second to listen to the song of all of creation. The stars shouting out in unison, the earth humming it’s melody, the beauty of the night wrapping me in its arms. Music is God’s brilliant gift to us as a way of expressing reality and very real emotions. In music we can see a glimpse of God and His story playing out in all of our individual lives. Life is vibrant by Christ, for Christ, and through Christ.

Faith

Faith is not thinking that God can, Faith is knowing that God will.

Dealing with my past?

For the last week I have been haunted with my past. Last night I tossed and turned with gutting twisting emotions. I can’t seem to get over the pain I’ve caused others to have and the pain caused to me in past relationships. These relationships where ten years ago and the emotions of them came flooding back like they were just yesterday. I have walked all over a lot of girls. I’m not proud of it, but it’s an honest part of my past. I can’t help but to wonder what kind bitterness I have created in many people’s lives by my immature actions when I was a mere teenager, and if this bitternes still haunts them today.
I know that God forgives me, not because of anything that I do, but because of what He has done in Christ for me. But, do I forgive myself? Not to justify any of my stupid actions in the past, but to know that I am a different person because of God and forgive myself. If God can forgive me, why can’t I forgive myself?
I wish I could take it all back. I wish I wouldn’t have taken advantage of so many situations for my own desires, but instead to look at the heart of God’s children. So many people are hurting, empty, and looking for love in all the wrong places…

What is blessed?

Is modest prosperity and health of your family enough to make you blessed?

What does it mean to be blessed by God?
Does it have anything to do with status or possesions? Or a healthy long life?

Interesting thought...

We hide behind abstract words and sophisticated sentences to keep from unveiling our ingnorance.
How would you describe your communication style? The whole point of communication is understanding.

Santification?

Santifacation? what the heck is that?

God says "yes I'll accept you just as you are (at your lowest point), BUT I refuse to keep you there..."

~The love of my life~

It’s funny how God works in relationships. My beautiful wife is my world. Though we are not perfect, at times it just feels perfect. At other times it feels not so perfect. But in those situations, when we are butting heads, God reveals to us individually and as a couple who we REALLY are. Because of pride I often stomp on her as my delicate flower. Mallory’s attitude simply reflects how I treat her. If I’m being stubborn, selfish and prideful ~ then she becomes critical and sarcastic. If I am open and sharing, then she is responsive and delicate. She is my love, my voice, and my heart. I love how I can experience just a glimpse of true intimacy with God when I spend time with her.

Most of the time, I am not so good with words, but she completes me. Literally, she can put what I am thinking into brilliant thoughts, even when I cannot think of a single word. She is my Aaron when I am Moses.

My wife has one passion; family. This is hard for me to understand sometimes, because my passion is ministry. God has wired her to care more about her family than anything on this planet. Our son Ethan is her world. Time with her parents and sister help her to feel refreshed. I often feel discouraged if she seeks advice from anyone but me, but really, she is just looking for affirmation from those she holds so very close to her heart. My wife’s heart is to be admired. God has not wired us the same, which is very good. My passion and desire is to change people’s hearts and perceptions. Without the love of wife that fills my world I could not do this. I love that my wife cares so deeply for those in her life. It makes me feel complete, whole, and thankful that I know her.

Mallory, I love you…

What would it look like if you believed God cared?

Today I spoke with my best friend for coffee. Both of us are struggling with the concept that God cares. Life and creation just seem too big for Him to care about our journeys on a minute-by-minute basis. As I’ve blog’d about before, God says He cares intimately for us. He promises we are His treasure.
So I asked my friend to do a homework assignment. Answer this question: How would life be different if you actually believed that God cared? What would we change knowing God cares about our unique journey?
1.) I would pray a lot more. If you are walking with a friend and an idea pops up, most of us don’t stubbornly resolve that we will just process this alone. So if I believed God actually cared, I would talk with Him as a friend a lot more.
2.) I would seek direction a lot more. Honestly open myself up to Him, just like I would if I needed advise from someone I trusted.
3.) Rely on Him a lot more. God makes promises to me in scripture. If I believed He cared I would certainly rely on what He promises to me.
4.) Rest assured that in the valleys of life God is there with me. It is not a test, but a tool. God has a plan and is working with me on my unique journey.
5.) Find fulfillment intimately with my loving God. God will meet all of our emotional needs. He is most glorified when we are satisfied in Him. By trusting I would receive this fulfillment He promises.

So, why don’t I live like this now? I’m the one who is reserved, not God. Because of past experiences, I’m afraid of being shut down. Intimacy is really tuff for me, but I have to open the door if I want anything (joy, love, peace, etc..) to come in…

Scripture vs. Personal opinion

Personal opinion fuels today’s America. Everyone has an opinion, but most don’t have a basis to go on. Everyone thinks they have it all figured out and “everyone else would just be better off if they knew what you knew.” Regardless of actual science, history, or other people’s experiences, if it doesn’t sound emotionally satisfying we just don’t accept it.
Opinion all too often overrides conversations. Instead of listening, everyone forces their opinion or knowledge into conversations. Conversations are becoming a battle of last words than a humble experience.
The question becomes: What is our source of truth? Is it ourselves, others, or God? Only one stands up, all others constantly fall short and change. You know this to be true in your own life. Everyone is in desperate need of God. Instead of filling up on man’s empty opinions, why not look to scripture? What does scripture say about certain circumstances? We have to constantly realign ourselves with scripture. This is our basis for life, not how much we think we know.
If you think this is ludicrous, what is your source of truth? How often have you been wrong? What makes you think you’re the only one who has this whole thing figured out? What will it take for you to realize you’re not in control and that you don’t know it all?

Glory? What is that?

God is, first and foremost, committed to His Glory. Glory is God’s splendor, beauty, and abundance. So, God is committed to His splendor, beauty, and abundance above all.
We are not the center of the universe (as much as we would like to think we are). God is the center of the universe. His commitment to us is only in light of His commitment to Himself first. God’s glory is the reason for creation. By our satisfaction in Him, He is most glorified.
In this, we find a very uncomfortable question: Did God free you to make much of yourself or did He free you to make much of Him?

God is personal

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Ps 32:8

Instruct, teach, counsel and watch over; these are all promises that God makes to us in our own personal journeys. These are not qualities of a distant God.
I struggle with the idea that God thinks I’m important. That God would care enough to be involved in the day-to-day grind of my life. But God promises that not only does he care but that he will teach us through our adventure. Counsel us in times of need. Instruct us in His agenda. God does watch over us intimately, moment-by-moment He is by our side. God’s promises are real, but do we believe them?
God is Faithful, God is good, God is personal, and God is a redeeming God.

What will you do?

Many of His disciples said, “this is very hard to understand, how can anyone accept it?”

Jesus was aware that His disciples were complaining, so he said to them, “Does this offend you?”

The spirit alone gives eternal life
Human efforts accomplish nothing
The very words I have spoken are the spirit and life
But some of you do not believe me
This is why people can’t come to me unless the Father gives them to me

At this point many of the disciples turned away and deserted Him. Then Jesus turned to the twelve disciples and asked, “Are you going to leave?”

Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life…we believe and we know that you are the Holy One of god” John 6:60-70

The very words Jesus has spoken are the spirit; Jesus alone gives eternal life. So Jesus asks you, “Are you going to leave?” Just like Peter, I confess, where would I go? Jesus alone gives life…
Thank you Lord that you are intimate. Give us life. Give us hope. Give us passion. Human efforts accomplish nothing. You are the source of life.

This is where life happens

This is where life happens. Life doesn’t happen through a useless exchange of my thoughts. Life happens when God speaks. God stirs our heart and reveals himself to us. This is where life happens. In the very core of who we are; the core of us that screams our own unique identity. When we get past the everyday non-sense, and listen to our Creator and His purpose.

The heavens declare the Glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork
Psalm 19:1

Glory is defined as splendor, abundance, and beauty.
So, the heavens declare the splendor, abundance and beauty of God

God has created us unique and given all of us a unique purpose
I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints
Eph 1:17-18

The calling of your life is the glory of your life. Life is not about the: should’ve, could’ve or would’ve. Life is about asking, seeking and knocking on our one unique purpose in which God has created for. The splendor, abundance and beauty of your life is your glory. What glory has God put in you for His glory?

That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me. Col 1:29

When we cannot distinguish between the large things and small things in life, we become of no use.
-Winston Churchill

All that matters in life is one thing. What is that one thing? You will have to find that out yourself…
-Curly, City Slickers

Ephesians 1:17; God will give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him

Do not underestimate the importance of life and who you are:
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.
You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet. Psalm 8
We posses an aspect of God.
And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Cor 3:18

Our intimacy spectrum with God: Where are you? If we are honest, most of us are no higher than 4. We deem ourselves as just slaves with no real intimate relationship with God.
Potter to the clay
¨ God molding and shaping us
Shepard to the sheep
¨ God saying follow me
Vine to the branch
¨ Attached and dependent
Master to the servant
¨ We become a servant in our Masters house
Teacher to the student
¨ God gives us what we need
God to His friends
¨ God is our intimate ally
Bridegroom to His bride
¨ Intimate needs are fulfilled

God is at work in you, so what’s the story?
Do not ask what the world needs…
Ask, what makes you alive… This is what the world needs…

Oprah~ Selfish ambition, part 2

Doubt is everywhere. The basic fundamental premise of this view is doubt. God isn't who we would be if we were god. Therefore it's easier to pick who we think god should be, rather than acknowledge Christ.
Unfortunately, sometimes, I think you and I are not excluded from this as well. Your right, Satan is more influential than we give him credit for. Reality is out there, God is real, Satan is real, the world is selfish. Whether we believe it or not, the world will keep coming closer to the end and farther away from God. How do we not just give up on the world and hide in our four walls of the church? I love the quote from Jude. Aside from God, we are helpless and wanderers. Praise be to the one true God.
To use Oprah as a tool, wow! This is real! This isn't some made up story of mythology. It's really happening. There is a real war, and real people are in the middle of it. The question becomes, what are you doing about it? Am I a voice calling out to the world, or am I hiding in the safety of my corner looking for excuses in doubt? If only I had faith the size of a mustard seed, I could move a mountain...

Where did Oprah go wrong?
No after life... If there is no after life, there is no accountability to God for our chooses, hence this is why this view might be appealing. But if there is no accountability, there is no good or just God.
Source of truth... Oprah has no source of truth, but herself. Somehow we think we know whats best for ourselves and totally discount history or any reliable sources. The burden of proof lays in her lap to account for her overlooking of historical literature (i.e. the bible)
Picking and choosing from opposing religions... The law of non-contradiction says that you can't have equally opposing views be valid. All religions have claimed to be the only way. Even Oprah's new-age wave claims to be the only way. At some point you have to ask which religion is reliable and not just theory. Who is God? The hard truth is, He is not me and he does not have my will. God has His own agenda, whether we like it or not... and He is very Good

Oprah~ Selfish ambition, part 1

http://youtube.com/watch?v=JW4LLwkgmqA

Is God a jealous God? How can he not be... We constantly set ourselves up on pedestals, and think that we individually know whats best for our lives and for those around us. Oprah has completely taken God out of the picture and created a spirit-utopia that cannot and will-never exist. Essentially, she has used philosophy and world religions like a buffet line and just chosen what sounds good to her, ignoring laws of science and the contradictions in her own beliefs. If she scrutinized her beliefs as much as she has the "one way theory" she'd see her own ignorance. Oprah is living, fundamentally, a hope theory. "I hope we're all good and OK."
If God is good, we all fall short and somehow that problem has to be answered for. God provides the spring of life, but were just too prideful to drink. This is why God is a jealous God, we have chosen and will always chose our own rebellious ways, but in His love he has chosen to redeem those who will accept His free payment in Jesus Christ. If only we would realize our desperate need for Him, this is where God wants us to be. Good people don't know God, forgiven people know God...
You may ask-"what about those who are good but don't look to Christ, that's not fair?" Everybody is invited, everybody gets in the same, everybody has to make a chose during their life; what's more fair than that?

What would happen if people looked to God and stopped looking to Oprah?

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." Jeremiah 2:13