Gravity of realtiy

I met a guy today that has a blood clot in his left arm that extends all the way up into his armpit area. If the clot starts to break apart and travel to his lungs or heart he would instantly die. At any moment he could just... well... die. Can you imagine? Can you imagine dealing with the stress, grief and awareness of this kind of thing? Can you imagine wondering with every breath? Can you imagine having to prepare for this?

Last week Mallory and I watched a mother permanantley say good bye to her 2 year old daughter. Can you imagine? Can you imagine putting your own child in the ground? Can you imagine the what if questions you would ask yourself? Can you imagine what you would have to say to their siblings? Could you imagine the feelings you might have toward God?

I watched a close friend of mine wrestle with heart break. A pastors heart that has to constantly set aside relationships and acknowledge morality. He can either stand against the flow or ignore actions in the name of peace and love? Can you imagine watching every facet of your life continually turn away from morality? Can you imagine watching every strong hold of your life turn to immorality? Can you imagine crushing heartbreak over your parents, siblings, close friends and then finally your own girlfriend? Can you imagine carrying that burden? Can you imagine standing against all those that are close to you and individually telling them 'what you are doing is not right'. Can you imagine the heaviness and insanity? Can you imagine having to always be the role model or even parent of the family?

I read and experienced the story of a man who came to the realization that he only had six months to live. Can you imagine the dissapointment? Can you imagine the helplessness and sudden overwhelming fear of the unknown? Can you imagine your family having to move on? Can you imagine realizing your actually going to meet your maker?

I watched the news and saw an ice storm had conquered the south leaving hundreds of thousands stranded and without power. Can you imagine losing all your comforts in an instant? Within a 24 hour period you have become depedcent on handouts and a shelter for protection. Can you imagine the sudden fear and abandonment? The suddden helplessness? Can you imagine living life like this everyday like so many homeless families and abandones children do?

God.. love.. life.. reality... me... The the gravity of reality weighs heavy on my heart. I want it all to be perfect, I do. I don't understand why it's not. I don't understand God. I don't understand life and I don't think I want to. I just want to honestly and whole heartedly engage with it. So, how do I engage with it? God help me

daddy

I was standing in the living room and Ethan saw me. He dropped his toy, got down on all fours and made a b-line for me. His head was down and he bulldozed crawled toward me, never looking up. Once he got to me, he reached out one of his little hands and grabbed onto the leg of my jeans. His little hand grasped on and he pulled himself up with one hand using my leg. I knew I couldn't move. If I was to shift or move at all he would lose his balance and fall down. So there I stood, his rock. Standing, he only comes to just above my knees. He stood tall then looked up at me. His big eyes connected with mine and in that moment I knew he needed me, he wanted his daddy. He lifted up his arms and I bent down to pick him up. There we stood, holding each other. My son needed me and I held him close.

I heard a song the other day that made me think about my little boy. Will he ever stop needing me? Will he ever grow up and not need his daddy any more? I don't want to necessarily dive into my childhood, but I never stopped needing my dad. My dad was always the guy who would give me the independence and freedom to do and be whatever I wanted. As cool as this was, it was also very lonely. I needed my daddy. When I look back on my childhood, my dad is what I miss the most.

I say all this in awe of the power of a child and his dad. No matter how bad the relationship may grow. No matter how old a child may get. No matter how rough and rebellious a child becomes. A child will always need his dad. My son will always need his daddy. I will always need my dad.

I can't help but to see the relationship between us and God as well. You have to understand that I have never been good at intimacy. I have always had a very tough time engaging with guys. I think because me and my father never knew how to share intimacy, I am still not sure how to relate with male figures in my life, including "God". But because of my son and seeing the longing in his eyes, I can finally see my very intimate need for a Father. I can see myself in Ethan's shoes. An innocent love and longing for his daddy. I can also see God, not as an absent deity or Greek god, but a loving dad enjoying every moment with his son.

A sermon? seriously...

So, yesterday I heard a life changing sermon. I wasn't at church. I wasn't watching TV. I wasn't even listening to the radio. I made it all up in my head.

I meet with a friend of mine for coffee in the morning and he is always talking about the "Grace of God." "Oh by the grace of God... If not by the grace of God... Grace of God this and that." I have no idea what he is talking about.

My life doesn't feel full of grace, it feels empty sometimes... In fact most people who talk about the grace of God make me feel worse about myself than better. They make me feel like I never accomplish anything and if I finally do, I feel like I don't say the right things and give the credit to God instead of myself. They make me feel small and insignificant.

But as my friend and I were talking, he said something that triggered an avalanche in my head. He said, "there is nothing good apart from the grace of God. If it were left up to us we would destroy everything. Our marriages, our kids, our futures, everything"

My friend and I said our good byes and went about our daily business. But, for the first time I started to think about what "good" really means in my life. Good is anything joyful, delightful, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling, etc.. So anything joyful, delightful, rewarding, satisfying, or fulfilling is by the grace of God. So that means that anytime throughout my day that I may feel anything "good" it is the grace of God. God actually in my life... wait a minute.

(So this is where I literally had to stop my day of work, sit down and write everything down on piece of paper.)

Why? Why is it that anytime throughout my day that I may feel anything "good" it is the grace of God? (here's where I dive back into some of my schooling lodged back there in my brain someplace) It is the grace of God because this is not what we deserve. If we got what we deserved we would get hell and death, we deserve to be cast away from God. Why so harsh? Because hell and death, simply put, is the absence of God. God gave us as humans a unique independence. We have chose, and unfortunately everyday we continue to choose to separate ourselves from God in all sorts of fashions. We are continually separating ourselves farther from God than we could ever pull ourselves closer. God is life. God is love. God doesn't experience like we do, God is and we experience his presence. That means that any feelings of good I may have or anything good that happens in my life is the grace of God, something I don't deserve, Him working in my life and giving me an experience of himself.

Then, the life changing word popped into my head: Privilege. So if I deserve to be cast away from God, than any aspect of his character in my life is a privilege. Anything good that happens to me is a privilege, not a right or something I have earned. A privilege, interesting thought...

Running is a privilege, being able to read is a privilege, forgiveness is a privilege, another day of waking up is a privilege, having people care about me is a privilege. Every single opportunity in my life is a privilege.

Every single opportunity in my life is a privilege... as I thought this over my heart began to fill with life and color. I looked around and saw a homeless guy riding a bicycle. I no longer wondered where God was in this mans life. I saw God in this mans ability to even walk and ride a bike. That he lived in this country where jobs are available if you apply yourself. A country where soup kitchens reach out to those in need. The fact that he even had a bike. That he had no obligations to anything. I saw God in the fact that he's independent and gets to choose how he wants to deal with life.

By the grace of God... He gives me life and oppurtunity everyday. Even when I don't think I need Him there or even want Him there...

The Shack

I just finished reading a book called "The Shack." There is no doubt in my mind that this is my favorite of all time. I have had a lot of people warn me about it's theology, but I loved it none the less. The book is about a guy who meets God in "the shack." I'm not looking to the book to be my bible, but I totally long for parts of it to be true. I know it's piece of fiction literature, but it does a really really really good job of making God real and accessible. I appreciate that. Especially when I'm going through my own ups and downs, wondering where God is in the midst of it all. I can't wait to read it again...