I turned 30 today

I turned thirty today. How does it feel? Grumpy. Its gloomy and windy, and Suduko handed me my own butt this morning! No fishing, no beach, just utter despair over the public announcement this morning that my son is 3 and I am 3-0 ;)

Vacation: day 2

Weather: Windy with a pretty heavy spring shower late at night
Activities:
1.) Mario cart with Pops
2.) Swimming: once in morning with Mommy, once in afternoon with Grandma and Daddy (which included canon balls and rescue hero water crafts)
3.) Old Salty Dog for lunch: I got the Man vs. Food Salty Dog loaded all the way. It was epic!!!
4.) Snuck in a little fishing at the pond during Ethan's nap
5.) Dinner: spaghetti and meatballs while watching Ice Age

Vacation: day 1

Weather: partly cloudy, extremely muggy in the afternoon and into the evening
Activities:
1.) Lazy morning spent with coffee, Suduko, and the Leigh's
2.) Swimming twice, once in the morning and once after the beach
3.) late afternoon beach trip, best beach trip ever! (Ethan and I did some tubing in the bay, then raced our plastic boats, it was a blast.
4.) Pizza for dinner, while playing Lego Star Wars video game

Vacation: day .5 travel day

~ Weather: Rain, rain, rain, and more rain.
~Activities:
1.) swimming
2.) playing with lots of new toys that Grandma spoiled Ethan with
3.) Pork chops for dinner and Megamind playing on the big screen

Anticipating Tragedy

So, the flight to Florida was excruciatingly painful. We were rocking and rolling for the last 30 minutes of the the flight. There were several times people would audibly gasp from the shaking and dropping on the plane. We had to come in through a pretty intense spring shower, so we spent the whole decent in the clouds. I had the window seat and couldn't see anything but clouds. I remember thinking that several times we were just going to fall too much and slam into the ground. My heart was pounding, my adrenaline was rushing, and I was FREAKED out.


All I needed to calm down though, was to to look to my right and see my wife and son. Mallory was calm and beautiful and Ethan thought it was fun. I don't understand them, but I think they keep me from having a heart attack!Whats weird, is I knew I was in store for something. The night before I couldn't sleep. I keep thinking about the plane trip and an unusual anxiety was taking over. Granted, I'm not much of a flier, I tend to dread it with every fiber of my being, but this time was stronger than usual. So I got about 3 hours sleep. I also spent the whole flight into Tampa anticipating tragedy. I kept thinking about all the tragedies around the world that take innocent peoples lives. High-jacked planes, car wrecks, murder victims, violated personal security, malfunctioning mechanics, you name it.

Is God a God of love? yes. Does tragedy happen? yes. Am I excluded from tragedy? no. Do I live life in a bubble of false security? yes. So during these rare moments where I get beyond my own ego, I sense reality. I can sympathize with those around us who not only fear tragedy, but have had to endure it. This is not morbid. This is not paranoia. This is living with a sense of reality.


Do I trust God? absolutely yes. Do I fear God? yes. Do I think I'm excluded from tragedy? sometimes. Am I wrong? yes. BUT, do I trust God? absolutely yes. God is True and God is Righteous. I find peace in those two words: True and Righteous. Whatever happens will be True, will be Just, and will be Right.

Got purpose?

So people around our church have been wearing shirts that say "got purpose" on them. Don't worry I'm not philosophizing on the statement of these shirts. I honestly don't even know what the shirts represent. I did think that it made for a clever title though, so I just wanted to give credit where credit is due.

In talking with my buddy tonight, we discussed being "faithful" and that in being faith-full God can provide a sense of peace in our hearts no matter what we do for a living. If our identity is found in work, than work can easily become a determining factor for joy in our lives. However, if our identity is found in Jesus, than we can find peace and joy in our lives, regardless of whatever job we have at the time. I find this interesting, here's why. My job has been a source of bitterness in my heart directed toward God.

I don't hate my job, in fact I'm really good at what I do. I'm good enough at what I do that it can be consuming. I love my job at times, because of the pleasures of knowing a job was well done. I am good at operations, I'm really good at making a operation/system work. I have been apart of some pretty cool things in my career. However, I would consider my job to be a faith-less job. Not that faith and my work don't or can't mix together. Not that I can't be Christian at my work place. It's just that I think my job or our company has no greater purpose than money.

Now I know, that God is a big God. I know that in my career I have probably affected countless lives of customers and colleagues for the glory of God, many of which I'll never know or understand. But my argument for a faith-less career is not in the relationships around me, but in the job itself. My job is faith-less. In the big picture, it's just day-to-day activities that are focused on money. Here's my point: I have been angry at God because I have not been able to use my operations skills (the way I am wired and created) for a greater purpose than retail operations. I feel like I should be using my skills for a greater purpose. So I have been pridefully bitter. What a waste of trust and emotion. I am wrong.

what would you be doing, if you could do anything?

So, my friend Nathaniel was telling me a story a while back of a small group session he went to where a friend of his there asked the infamous question "if you could be doing anything right now, what would you be doing?" she then verbally smacked everyone with the startling follow up question, "well then why aren't you doing that right now?" I had a good laugh at the fact that someone could actually cause my friend to be speechless and I pushed the idea to the back burners. Until recently.

I have recently had the pleasure of sitting under the teaching of Michael Ramsden of RZIM, during some weekend services he taught at our church. I have always loved apologetics and practically pant and beg at the idea of RZIM teaching anywhere close to me. Any kind of apologetics rejuvenate me and get the blood pumping so-to-speak. So you can imagine, I have been loving this weekend. Although, my biggest takeaway from this past weekend was not any particular answer to a million dollar question. Instead, my biggest takeaway from the weekend was a swift kick in the butt, from myself. Why have I walked away from my Bible? Why have a walked away from studying apologetics? Why have I blamed God and been so angry and bitter?

I have been pouting about in my faith for a multitude of reasons, which have all became blatantly clear to me. In a short sense, I have realized that I am not called to be a preacher. I have been putting my eggs into a basket that I assumed to be the right one. Turns out I was wrong. Who knew? (only everyone around me). I've approached ministry wrong and I've been bitter for it.

If I could make a living answering questions about the Chrisitan faith, I'd do it. Put me in a setting where people can hammer me with questions, and you'll never see me more alive. I don't know if debating is necessarily what I mean, because I don't believe my opponent in any debate would have any interest in hearing the answers. I think debates can easily become ego driven and center around control, not content. However, during this weekends services, the church passed out 3x5 cards where anyone could write any question they had on that card and Michael Ramsden would spend a few minutes addressing a few of these cards at the end of his lecture. You wouldn't believe the stack of cards he got back! He of course only had time for half a dozen. Everyone has questions, and if you become a follower of Christ, then the questions really began. This is what I'm wired for! As Ravi says, let His people think. I have and overwhelming desperate sense to see those questions, I want to see what people are thinking, I want to have an opportunity to address some of them. Weird huh?

A lot of Pastors dream about going into ministry under the impression they will get to spend a lot of time reading their bible. This thought really doesn't appeal to me, plus any current Pastor will tell you that this dream is wrong. 95% of their time is spent with people and questions, and the sermon prep time is left to homework. Maybe I'm not meant to be a preacher, but maybe an apologist of sorts. Maybe not, only God knows. I will submit to this fact.

Reality, so-to-speak

So... I've been thinking a lot lately of the workings of our society. Not in a political way, but instead in a sense of everyday lives lived throughout the world. I am heartbroken, joyous, appalled, and in awe of power of life. I'm not talking about the governing power of God here, although I cannot compremend that either. I'm talking about the everyday lives that all of us live out. The shear volume of individual events that happen to any and all of us on an everyday basis. Birth, death and everything in-between.

I just finished reading a grouping of 4 books, all of which have nothing to do with each other, but at the same time share a common theme. A life or lives affected by something. 1 book took me with a family on their life changing mission trip to Africa. 1 book helped me to relive adolescence by exploring a pond with a 14 year boy and to learn the joys and heartbreaks of fishing and hunting. The third book explored the idea that a single concept can change the world, but also broke my heart as a mother had to say goodbye to her child because of a random act of violence. The last of the 4 books took me to Scotland on a golf obsessed journey of two men in search of a fulfillment on a spiritual quest of golf and mystics. These are fiction books, but written from real life persepctives. These actives are not science fiction, and happen everyday around us. I find myself in awe of life and the magnitude of individual activities flurrying all around us as we try to make life work in our own little corner of the galaxy. I can't watch a movie or listen to the news without my heart pouring over this concept.

Today I found out that an old friend of ours is dealing with the tragic death of her Husband killed in Afghanistan. Her most trusted friend, father of her two children, and lover was taken from her not but 24 hours ago. I'm devastated for her loss, and grateful for the men and women who die for our safety and freedom to live as Americans. My heart breaks at the thought of young men and women dying violently, away from their families, and scared. I pray that God is glorified and that this young man did not die in vain, but is honored by all that loved him and lives forever in the hearts of his 2 precious daughters. God, please be with us, be our Father, be our Comforter, be our Friend.

I heard a song written from the perspective of a man seconds away from his scheduled death by the state. As he is being strapped to the electric chair, his heart cries out for a do-over. As the process roles on, he contemplates his actions, he wonders about his daughter and if she will ever forgive him, and searches the eyes of those who greedily want him dead and justice served.

We watched a movie last night about a young lady diagnosed with a devastating disease. Not fatal as much as mentally and physically crippling. She has comes to terms with the fact that her one shot a life, the only run we get at this, is not the quality of life that those around her get to live. She has to come with terms with the fact that its just not fair, while we live fat happy lives that we take for granted, she is going to struggle with envy and bitterness, pain and devastation, and death everyday.

In Japan, thousands die, everything is lost, everything. A dog stands faithfully by the ruins of his life and his companion, regardless of starvation and disease, that dog will not leave.

What a great day!

In the midst of chores piling up, projects to be done, massive financial bills in store for the future, a dirty house, a car with its check engine light on, and a pregnant exhausted wife, today was fantastic day. We took thirty bucks and had a kick ass afternoon! After a morning of playing and decent nap for Ethan, we went swimming at the YMCA, caught a 4:40 showing of tangled at the dollar theater, played an arcade game and kicked some alien tail, and used a coupon to eat at Chilli's.

Oh yeah, and he pooped. I repeat he pooped! Ethan pooped, holy guacamole, he actual can do it! God Bless him, he actually did it! Who would have known that one day in my life I would want to dance because of someone else pooping. My sons stubbornness and desperate ambition to give me an early heart attack, makes me want to scream and rejoice because of a simple bowel movement. No kidding...

Ah, what a day. Screw the house and its filthiness, screw the mountain of laundry, screw the car and its stupid engine light, screw the never ending chores and projects. It can all wait for another day and for me to give a crap. Hello carefree afternoon with my family. Life is good.

Poisonwood

So, I just finished reading the Harry Potter series. Which was completely and utterly awesome, and it's so hard to admit that fact, because I always viewed it as childish and petty before reading (who has two thumbs and is a lame idiot at times, this guy.)

The point is I loved this series so much, that I was literally heart broken when it was over. I didn't pick up a book for 2 days. However, with a little book club comradery from my mother in-law Heidi, I picked up the Poisonwood Bible.

After reading Harry Potter this book put me to sleep multiple times at first, until I started to slowly grasp hold of its depth. This book has now consumed me. Even today, as I walked through the grocery store, this book tints my worldview on how I view everything around me. I need a place to just put my thoughts out there, so I can move on to life as I know it.

The book is basically about Africa, and how an ignorant Christian missionary family went into the country expecting to change everything up, all Africa needed was for someone to finally go in there and teach them how to do life. Instead, they found themselves swallowed, chewed up, and spit back out completely different than expected. No longer were they family, no longer were some alive, no longer were some sane, no longer was anything normal. And all the way to their graves Africa dominated everything about their existence. Millions of people have gone into Africa thinking it could be tamed, and millions of people have been unsuccessful. People don't change Africa, Africa changes people. Memories are not easily forgotten and life would never be the same.

Several things deeply impacted me about this book:
1.) I have a strong urge to pick up my bible and memorize everything about it (which is strange, because I'm pretty sure this book is supposed to reveal "our ignorant Christian way") However, I find my self longing to know the depths of scripture. It seems if anything is real, it needs a foundation.
2.) I want to devour every piece of literature available to the human race. The family was depraved of a lot of supplies and food on their journey, and the way the author talked about education and books and how rare it all is within these tribes in Africa, made me so thankful for libraries and schooling. I can't even began to describe the hunger for education that has stirred within me.
3.) Our over indulgence in America is incredibly disgusting. How much we waste! I've been non-stop thinking about our grocery stores, and how everything is stocked 10-12 deep in some cases. These tribes in Africa live off of whatever they got around them, which is pathetically minimal. The sheer volume of goods and waste we have at our fingertips, all in the name of business/money. All the packaging material we use to get the excessive product into our hands. I find myself wanting to get away from it, it makes my skin crawl to think about. Its disgusting, but I'm fat white and happy, right?