A seemingly absent God

My dad sent me an email today about signs. He asked himself: if God is real, why doesn’t he just give me a sign? He had an epiphany. Could his sign be his life? He’s still married, he’s healthy, he’s not poor, he’s got a great job, etc…

I’m impressed with his thought. I am currently struggling with this same issue. I am not so sure I want to trust and believe this seemingly absent God. To me, right now, he seems absent. I don’t feel his presence. I don’t hear his voice. I’m not so sure I want to believe the bible is all he has to say. I don’t feel forcibly moved by him. I’m not even sure he exists. In a recent sermon I heard, the pastor talked about authority. What governs my life? Is it the bible, the word of God, or is it something else? There are two types of unbelief: 1.) Ignorance, just not knowing the truth, 2.) and knowing the truth but choosing not to believe it. I found myself in awe of his view of the bible. For a moment in time, I wished I were him. Just so I could trust something that whole-heartedly. But I obviously have control issues. Do I have the authority over my life or does God? For me the answer is simple. I want the control over my life, because I’m not so sure I can trust a seemingly absent God. I want a sign… But maybe my dad is right. Could my very existence, my life, everything I have been given, be my sign? Have I grown so accustomed to seeing God in my life that I no longer see him? And really if God showed me a sign wouldn’t I just want another one?

The prophets, like the psalmists, make God's care part of their message. Discouragement plagued the Israelites in exile. They felt abandoned by God. The prophets often speak to those who face discouragement at every turn. Their careers aren't what they expected. Their bank-account balance always seems less that what they need to make ends meet. Friends turn their backs, family doesn't seem to understand, and God seems absent. The prophets remain news of justice, righteousness, hope and liberation. ~Evangelistic preaching that connects

Spoken right into my life!

Quote

When I see a sunset, I don't want someone explaining to me what's physically happening with the sun. To offer a scientific explanation about the myriad of colors would ruin the moment. When I go to a museum to view fine art works, please don't tell me what they mean. Art exists less to be analyzed than to be experienced. I listen to Mozart, Beethoven and Bach for the pleasure the music brings, for the emotions it evokes. I'm not sure I always know what it means, but I know how it causes me to feel.
~Craig Loscalzo

Fathers Day

What an awesome Fathers day I had! My beautiful wife took very good care of me. I got blueberry pancakes, then I got to spend the day with my monkey man at the zoo. It was my favorite fathers day to date! (besides the idiot drivers, sickness, heat, exhaustion, going on little sleep, stinky (smokers not animals) and forgetting to call my own father).

Scary as hell

Through out the bible God has set his people apart. But his people were never the rock stars or the glamorous; instead they were the bearded, full-clothed freaks. God definitely got peoples attention if that’s what he wanted to do. But I don’t think outsiders saw this group of people and wanted to be them. A lot like if you see an Amish believer now a days. You don’t really want to pull over right that minute and commit yourself to their lifestyle right then and there. In fact you often see these people and wonder why. Why do we have to look like freaks? This whole believing in God thing just seems too bizarre and scary as hell.

Why is it so hard for me to just give in? Why not completely submit to God? I’ll tell you why, because IT’S SCARY AS HELL. If I completely submit, who knows what that may mean? Knocking on doors, dressing weird, becoming some geek in a coffee shop, talking all soft and fruity, no more joking, no more guy moments, maybe selling everything I own, giving stuff away, trusting, becoming anti-everything, etc.

P.S. I Love You

Mallory and I just saw the movie “P.S. I love you.” This is a terrific movie. It is a romantic heart wrenching film. Three main characters stick out to me:

1. Of course the main actor, who dies. His sacrificing love is intimidating and inspiring. I often found myself in awe of his patience with dealing with a seemingly pushy and demanding wife.
2. The widow: Her character displays everything we never want to go through, but something all of us have dealt with. There is an honest longing in her heart for passion.
   
3. The Mom of the widow: This lady was the most powerful for me. A woman plagued with bitterness. Her husband left her and she wants the world to know it by ruining love. Toward the end of the movie she says “I’m been angry for a very long time now, and I’m exhausted.” The moment she said this my heart stopped dead in it’s tracks. Here is a lady who forgot how to love. If anything, this movie subtly reminded me that I have forgotten how to love. I’m so busy being pissed off, that I forgot how to love.
   

Facing reality

I have never been good with words. I have never been good with thoughts. I have never been good with emotions. I have never been good at expressing myself. I have never been good with creating anything, only learning what others have created. I’m a learner. That’s about it. I don’t have long conversations in my head. I get caught up on a certain sentence in my head and it plays in continual loops. I can’t really think anything completely through, because I’m not creative enough to think of everything. Prayer is wasted time for me, because I never know what I’m supposed to say and it all sounds so forced. I can only piggyback off of what has been taught to me. I’m a born listener. If I give advice, it’s only because I picked up on a catchy saying somewhere down the line. To tell you the truth, it’s frustrating. I feel like a small sponge sitting in the middle of a vast ocean. So much life going on around me and I can’t do anything for myself. The only thing I can do is ask questions and that becomes burdensome for most people. My mom always told me that around thirty I would start to find out who I really am. I don’t know if this is completely that point in my life, but there is a definite reality check happening right now. I know I need to be answering some questions, but to tell you the truth it’s only a feeling I have. I don’t know what I’m supposed to answer. I do know that my conscious is being torn apart about my faith. Do I believe in God or not? It’s haunting me. Every time I turn around that question eats away at my stomach and guilt runs wild. I’m struggling with the idea of who God is. He has never told me. Instead I’m left to just guess and frankly it kind of pisses me off. I have never been good at this. He certainly doesn’t seem to be helping. Now granted, since I have asked him to answer me a lot of information has come my way proving that Christ could very reasonably be God. But on the other side of the coin, I was looking for this information. I could have found any answer I wanted in the vast library of opinions. But I stuck with what felt more comfortable to me. I have claimed to be a Christian for a while now. In fact I find myself willing to debate with almost anyone on “truth.” It’s a big question and I want to know the answer! I think my anger stems from this idea. I feel plagued with the desire to know. I just want to know for sure. But God doesn’t want me to know for sure. I feel very angry, why bully me around? Why torment me with simple games? Why remain so quite? Because it takes faith to believe, I am always questioning my faith. So I think it’s time for me to quit playing on the fence and decide which side to land on. Here’s my choice: Irrational self-justification or a seemingly absent God. My heart tells me that I will pick God in the end, but my head tells me that God has let me down. I don’t know when I’ll find an answer. I don’t know if I’ll find an answer. But I do know that I can listen. So here’s my new mission inspired by the current book I reading (AJ Jacobs "one year of living biblically"). I will go through the motions. I will try to listen to God, his way. Until I have finished my semester left of school I will go through the motions. So here’s the deal:

1. No tobacco, alcohol, lust.
2. In the morning before anything else, I will read some of my bible.
3. I will commit to praying or journaling daily.
4. I will keep a log of my failures, accessible to anyone who wants to know.

I'm not so sure I want the full package. It scares me.

Last night I just started writing:

Are you there God? Are you really there? because you sure aren't acting like you are. But then again, neither am I. I'm not acting like your here either. So where does this leave me? Do I need to start acting like you are there? Would that make it all better? If I am so important, why do I feel so alone and worthless? That at any moment you will punish me and take everything away. I guess the true question becomes, what will it take for me to acknowledge you are here? What will it take for me to finally submit to you? This whole time I've been angry with you, because you've been acting like you weren't here, but really, I have been angry with you because I have been pretending that you weren't here...

To be honest God, I'm not so sure I want the full package. It scares me.

Florida trip

We just got back from our Florida trip. We traveled to the distant land of Florida to watch my baby sister get married. It was awesome! I am SO happy for her. She was absolutely a beautiful, glowing bride (minus the whole bridezilla thing before the wedding). I can’t believe she’s married, but she picked the right man. Her husband is an awesome guy. We got to connect a little bit before the wedding and I’m so impressed with the size of his heart. I find myself a little jealous of where they are at and all the new and exciting things they are experiencing.

The rest of the vacation, however, was exhausting. Traveling with a 6-month-old infant is a very challenging adventure. We hardly slept and found ourselves easily irritated. It was trying to say the least. All and all though we did get to have some fun and spend some time with family.

A couple of things really sunk home for me on this trip. One of them happened during the wedding ceremony. Pastor Mike made a simple statement that put marriage in perspective. He said "marriage is not picking the right mate, but being the right mate." Implying that marriage isn’t about sitting back and being waited on, but it is instead an act of service. Marriage is supposed to be about me serving my wife, not me imposing thick expectations on her. The second thing that happened was a late night religious debate between my dad, my uncle and myself. During this debate, the question was asked of me “do you think your better me.” Implying that at some point during the debate I came off as a know it all. This is not how I want to be heard at all. It breaks my heart that all their past short comings with the church are taken out on me because of my religious beliefs. What stirs me about this is, is that the whole trip they were ripping on Christians. Acting as if they are so much better than me. I don’t get it. And they say Christians are hypocrites?