Mallory showed me how to put music on this blizzog and I am totally pumped about it. Yeah I know, it doesn’t take much to excite me…

puppet master or close friend

OK so I have two predominant views about who God could be: puppet master or a close friend. The puppet master is a completely sovereign God who is responsible for all actions and movements in life. This God is in complete control of our every move and enjoys toying with us. We are basically here for his entertainment. This is what I think about when I think of the word “sovereign.” In fact this logic tends to lead me to be very angry with God. I blame God for everything that happens to me, because it is just a test for his selfish desires. God becomes my own personal big bully. When I think of God as a puppet master I become very disinterested and tend to not even care if he’s there. The close friend is the God I find comfort in. This version of God tends to warm my heart. A God that cares about my goals, my races, my feelings, my thoughts, my accomplishments, my frustrations and cares about it very deeply. When everyone else just shrugs me off with a pleasant little smile and nod, he cares with passion and excitement. In the midst of a sea of faces I know I am special to him. I may be average and non-existent in the world, but God cares beyond what any of my closest family and friends could ever care. God knows who I am beyond just perception. This is God I have hope and faith will be there to rescue me from the hands of death…

Creating God

A really good friend of mine went and spoke with his pastor today, because he has been so down-and-out due to circumstances that have happened in his life lately. I’ll spare the details for the sake of my friend’s privacy, but the conversation he had with his pastor really opened my eyes. In essence his pastor told him to quit being the victim and start being grateful for what he does have. (I’m sorry this may not make a lot of sense, but I really shouldn’t share more of his story).
It got me thinking: What makes us think we deserve so much more than what we have been given? What makes ME think I deserve so much more than what I have been given? A quote I commonly refer to from the audio CD’s in my Starting Point class has been stirring in me again:
“Essentially this is what your problem boils down to: You think to yourself, if there were a God here is what He would look like. But since the way I have decided God would look like doesn’t match up with current reality, then God obviously must not be there. You have decided what God could and would be like if there were a God. You have created a God in your mind, but since there is no evidence of that God anywhere, you have come to the conclusion that God does not exist.

Reflecting

I was running the other day past a church and the church had a little bench in a quite remote spot in the woods that had a sign posted saying, “a place for prayer and reflection.” I thought to myself, that’s silly. We as Christians really do legalistically overdue things. Why do we need a special bench for this? I think we get too spiritual. However, it did make me start thinking thought about my reflection time. Do I reflect on life? Come to think of it, I do. I spend a lot of time reflecting on life. In fact my whole workday is reflection for me. I drive around town with the radio off and just think about whatever floods my mind. Lately, I have been reflecting on all the past relationships I have had. I did a service call to a house the other day that just so happened to be the mother of a very old friend of mine. It has brought up a lot of deep emotions for me. I have had a lot of heartbreak lately over the relationships of my past that just seemed to have disappeared into the abyss. I have had several different groups of really close friends throughout my life and each has seemed to just come to a quick end. It breaks my heart to think how I just kinda stopped talking to everyone and moved on to the next stage in my life without so much as a second thought. Well now it seems to be biting me in the butt. I really do long to have a continuing deep friendship with all of those I truly did love.

training, training, training

OK, so I have to confess I have been totally into working out lately. In fact, it has become quite an obsession. During that last few months I have purchased a Fuji mountain bike. My goal is to compete in next years Western State Games triathlon. My father-in-law competed in this past years triathlon and totally rocked at it. So I have been inspired, to say the least.
So I have been hitting it hard and dramatically cleaning up my diet. In a previous blog I talked about my liver issues, and I am still waiting to see a specialist on October 6th. However, the liver issues have really helped keep me accountable to a clean diet. I haven't touched soda or alcohol since finding out the news, which is really good for me because I tend to lean toward a dependency on junk food and liquor. So, here is my schedule so far:
Sunday- I try to bike around the town for 15-20 miles
Monday- I take a day off for rest
Tuesday- Go to the Y and run~ 5K-10K and swim
Wednesday- Bike to work, but take an extended route~ 15 miles
Thursday- Bike to work~ 11miles, and run~ 5K
Friday- Bike to work~ 11 miles, and run~ 5K
Saturday- I take a day off for rest

I'm still working on it and it changes from week to week, so who knows. This week I'm preparing for "The Great Pumpkin 10K" this coming up Saturday morning." Wish me luck

23 Minutes in hell, part 2

OK, so I'm sitting here thinking about that book "23 mintues in hell." He specifically remembers the absolute complete isolation and torture he experienced in hell. And because of this, he also remembers thinking how much he missed the relationships he had in his life. He wasn't thinking about the newest toys, his house, his career, or his golf swing. He desperately missed his wife and those he loved.

Outside of God, there is only complete isolation. If God is love, there can be no relationships outside of His presence.

This makes my heart very heavy. Those who know me, know that I'm not a relationship pro. I'm terrible at calling and developing relationships. Why? oh, probably because I'm too busy worrying about our future, money, the house, chores (the never ending to-do list). You know, stuff that doesn't mean a damn thing in the end. I have a hard time developing intimacy because I don't want to let anyone in. But in the end, what am I really losing?

Hello again

I have taken a little break from everything lately. I haven't posted lately. Really, I haven't been into life lately. I know I might sound down and out to a lot of you, but I think I just needed some time to grieve. I think we have to go through a grieving process with any loss. I really felt like a big piece of my dreams was crushed during my wrestling match with God. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was so determined and excited that it broke my heart when my possible future career was yanked out from under me. I became very depressed and took an honest inventory of my life. People have swarmed me and told me that God still loves me. I felt like a little kid being pitied for scrapping his knee. Honestly, I didn't want to hear it. I kept thinking to myself, then where was He when I needed him? I grew tired of talking to everyone and having to explain my emotions over and over again. I just needed time to know if I could ever trust God again. I can't say I'm fully over it yet, but I think I am honestly starting to grow again. With a little help, I'm getting past the grieving process. Trusting God is starting to make sense again.

I would like to say a special thank you to my wife for understanding. When everyone else thought I needed to be more spiritual, you supported me living through real emotions. Thank you for being my best friend.

23 Minutes in hell

I just finished a book called 23 minutes in hell. To tell you the truth I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was a very interesting read, but disturbing. He is either lying or we are in deep trouble. I found myself drawn to it and I couldn't put it down. The toughest part is I found myself wondering if this was really true or not. The guy claims to have spent 23 minutes in hell and shares his eye witness testimony of the complete horror he felt. It is very hard to just assume he is telling the truth but he seems to tell a very genuine story. Hell seems to be a place of rotting, unbearable heats, stenches, pain and mind numbing insanity. Although if you picture life without God (rest, peace, safety, protection, wisdom, strength) I guess Hell is what you got left... What's amazing is, we chose this path because of pride. It's already taken care of and God doesn't want us in this place. Hell was made for the fallen angels, not us. We're just too damn stubborn to do it His way.