Pious jerk

Today, Ethan and I went over to the park to play before it was time to take a nap. Ethan loves the swing, so of course we spent a fair amount of time swinging. We sat there swinging for a long time. We watched a dozen boys and girls of various ages running around playing tag. The social network of kids is awesome. I could have watched them engage with each other all day. It's truly fascinating.
As we were swinging, a dad and his two year girl came over to the swing next to us. For those of you who know me well, you know I like to get into my little zone and not be bothered. This guy didn't want to uphold the man code of "the nod and acknowledge then go about your own business" rule. He started asking me a lot of questions. Where you from, how old's your boy, yada, yada, yada. It wasn't until he told me what he does for a living that I showed some reasonable interest in him. He came from Nebraska to Colorado Springs to set up a missionary network specializing in children's ministry. Religion, the only reason I warmed up to him is because he's religious.
I'm not exactly thrilled with how I acted with this guy, in fact I think I acted like a complete pious jerk. I could have spent some time with him and really gotten to know his outreach and his heart. But I wasn't interested because he interrupted me. And when we finally did start having a conversation about religion, everything I said sounded judgmental and pious. I never even introduced myself or caught his name.
Just a daily reminder that I'm not perfect. I'm selfish, I'm a pious jerk, I'm judgmental, I'm arrogant, I'm boastful, I'm greedy, I'm inconsiderate, I'm a sinner. This is the true condition of my heart. When the light exposes the darkness, this is what becomes visible.
Jesus' death paid for sin, and Jesus rose again conquering death. I no longer have to be conquered by ugliness and death (death, physical and emotional). I can repent and turn my heart to Jesus, and know that all things can be done in Christ. That is comfort, that is joy, that is peace, that is daily sanctification. I am righteous because of the grace of God, not because of my actions, my thoughts, or my desires.

"Peasant Princess"

For those of you who haven't heard Mallory and I go on and on about this sermon series we just finished listening to together, it's titled Peasant Princess, and it was the best thing we have done as a couple sense our premarital counseling. It is a ten week sermon series put together by Mark Driscoll. Pastor Mark Driscoll started a church in Seattle called Mars Hill, and is by far one of my favorite pastors to learn and study from. This particular series focuses on marital relations. Many pastors avoid the topic of sex or label it as "dirty". Sex is not something to be ashamed of, within marriage. What our culture has done with sex is what is to be ashamed of: adultery, homosexuality, fornication, pornography, lust, you name it. The reality of sex within marriage should not be avoided, but should be taught. Culture is twisted and producing ungodly relationships that end in nothing but heartbreak and death (death of relationships, self-worth, self-value, and ultimately the death of marriages). Marriages need to be taken seriously and respectfully. How do you do that? Stop being selfish. We are a selfish culture. Start by putting some work into a relationship, instead of expecting work out of it. Listen to this series, it's worth it. Even if you're not married, it will show you the godly way of cultivating relationships and handling yourself in a respectable manner.

http://peasantprincess.com/

Coming home

So lately I have been lucky enough to come home to welcome home drawings on the driveway when I get home from a long day at work. Mama and Ethan get out there with their chalk and doodle a huge welcome home message for Dada. Normally its in huge writing and says something along the lines of "welcome home Dada", along with various artistic doodles of footballs, stars, and moons, and all the little things Ethan loves. This has happened several times now.

It totally lights up my heart to see a big embarrassing message scrolled across the driveway in honor of Dada coming home. It makes me feel so wanted, its awesome. I struggle with having to spend so many hours away from them, so its nice to know you're at least missed.

Still vomit free, continued

So to continue my previous blog, I'm still vomit free. Last night, Sunday, both mom and Grandma got puked on at the same time. It was nassssttttyyyy...

Still vomit free

I thought that title might get your attention. So an interesting fact is becoming more and more prevalent in the Lockhart household. I have yet to be puked on. Now, mama on the other hand has been projected on now several times. Today was no exception:

Ethan and I spent the afternoon drawing and coloring pictures. We thought it would be cool to give mama an art gallery event today when she got home from work. We showed her our Mickey Mouse drawing. We showed her our lady bug drawing. We showed her our heart drawing. We showed her our moon and stars drawing. After we had shown her all of our hard work, Ethan decided he wasn't quite done yet. He still had one more splash of creativity in him. He gave mama a great big hug and blurp- vomit all over mama's shoulder, shirt, shorts, and legs. Oh it was a good one too. Not to brag or anything, but I have still yet to be puked on. It was awesome.

Old toys

One of the many benefits to having a little boy is getting to break out the old toys. I got excited to see what all I had kept, so I pulled down four boxes worth of my old stuff from the attic. to say the least, it has been an awesome last couple of days. I got to look through some of my remote control cars, old Lego sets, WWF wrestling figurines, match box cars, basketball collecting cards, and GI Joe sets. Ethan has been so excited about it all. One day we were WWF wrestling champions, orchestrating a royal rumble on the living room floor. The next day we were US marines, conducting a mission to destroy all non-GI Joe combat teams. This morning we were race car drivers, hosting strip racing for all matchbox cars that were interested in the challenge.

The most heart warming part for me was watching the curiosity in my sons face. I literally got to see him figure out how to use a remote control car. To see him put two-and-two together made me feel like crying. It was awesome. I know I'll have to put away a lot of these toys till later, but it made for a memorable weekend...

No licky licky...

Today when I was headed into work I went to give Ethan a kiss good-bye and got tongue. It was hilarious. He has been mimicking a picture of me sticking my tongue out lately and he just so happen to do this at the same time I went in for a kiss. Nothing but tongue, weird!

Playing in puddles

Last night, I got the privilege of letting my son take me for a walk. Or should I say, I got to accompany him pushing his tractor on a walk around the block. It has been raining a lot here this summer. Therefore there are puddles all over the place. Well last night we found a good one at the bottom of an alley. It was awesome, I got to show my son how to get real dirty.

The coolest part though was teaching him to through rocks into the water. He was fascinated, I couldn't find rocks fast enough for him. He would get so excited. You have to understand that he is only a year and half, so his throw is more of a drop. But it was awesome non-the-less. I just adore that little boy. I would find a rock and he would take it from my hand, walk over to the puddle and drop the stone in. We would both listen to the sound and try to mimic it- ker plunk. Then off to find the next stone.

It was awesome, the rest of the world stopped and it was just him and I in that moment.

PS- I think his mom is a super duper hottie hot hotterson and the light of my life. Don't tell her I said that.

Catastrophies

Wow, what a summer it has been. Death and destruction seem to be popping there little heads up around every corner. Millions of people a year leave everything to continue the circle of life and kick the bucket. If you lose a loved one, the world moves on. It shakes your world, but culture doesn't even seem to blink an eye. However, there are those few that have touched the lives of the world and at their passing the world gasps. Reality sets in. Yes, your really going to die. There is no avoiding it. Everyone of us has to face to music. Even if your made of almost all plastic, your going to face God in the end. We have seen some big names, culture icons, worldly idols depart from this world just recently:

Ed McMahon
Farrah Fawcett
Michael Jackson
Steve Mcnair

And just the other day I read a story about a local man that watched his wife pass away giving birth to their fifth child. What a heart break. Can you imagine? Just starting out, a large family, dependent on each other, and just like that its over. Now the dad has to mustier up the courage and ability to raise five kids on his own, with the painful reminder of his soul mates death in each of their eyes.

In the midst of our busy lives, our careers, our chores, our errands, our holidays and vacations, death reminds us that our lives are just vapor to the wind. Don't hold on too tightly to the things of this world. Without Jesus Christ all is in vain; you are alone, and have chosen to dwell in it.

If you're living like there is no God, you'd better be right... (and you're not, I promise you that)

Nobody's perfect

What's the one axiom every American can agree on? Nobody's perfect.

Not one person out of thousand would whole-heartedly claim to be perfect. There are many different characteristics that we all use to describe ourselves, but never "perfect". This is something that all of us just instinctively know to admit to one another.

Why is this? What would perfect look like?

Phrases such as "to err is human" or "nobodies perfect" are carelessly thrown around to defend our judgment calls or reputations. We use it to our advantage but we never stop to take it seriously. What are the implications of not being perfect? This should scare the crap out you. Why? Because there has to be a standard of what perfect is in order to know that we are not it. The standard is God (whether you like it or not) and we are programmed to know it. God is perfect by his very nature. He can't not be perfect. See, all too often we look around at one another and compare ourselves to those around us. "Well surely I'm not as bad as ______ or well at least I have never done _____." The problem is, no matter how good you think you may be, your not perfect. Other religions (which are wrong) say that we have to earn your favor with God. Well there's one problem with that; YOU CAN'T. Why? because anything that is not perfect is against the very nature of God, that is sin. Sin cannot exist in the presence of God. Therefore sin has to be atoned for.

You say "well that's not fair, every one's entitled to one mistake." Says who? When did God ever give us that right? Every mistake is an insult and an absolute blasphemy to his integrity. And even if he did allow all of us "one mistake," how long ago would you have used that "one mistake" up?

As my pastor says "a sin against an eternal God is an eternal sin and an eternal sin requires an eternal payment." God has paid this penalty himself through Jesus Christ. All you have to do is choose life through Jesus Christ or you can choose to reject God and keep going about your own way knowing something is missing and never reaching your purpose which you know is there. Think about it, you will make a choose right now; either for God or against God, but either way you will have made your choose...



*for more info listen to R.C. Sproul, Trauma of Holiness

CNN- proof that darwin was wrong

I am a big fan of avoiding ANY liberal based news stations. Why? because they represent the higher moronic powers that are now in control of our government. Now, I know I have the right to just flip the channel and not listen to that crap, and trust me, I do. But today I got stuck in a customers house listening to CNN's non-sense for almost two hours. So I have something to say...

First off, I want to make it clear that I choose God. No matter who is in the office or what agenda our government is trying to push, I choose God. (And the real God, not this manbe-panbe spiritual crap, but the Truth that does exist). I know that God is not partial to any particular political party and I would never dare to say that the bible supports one wing or the other. And I know this because all politicians are sleaze-bags (including our current and ex-president). However I do believe that liberals have a lot more sleaze in their bags. Please don't misconstrue what I am saying either. I am not claiming to be morally superior to anyone. In fact I strongly believe every one of us is morally bankrupt and in desperate need of God's grace. However when idiocricy dominates our culture it furriates me. Here's what I mean:

CNN was debating whether or not Notre Dame did the right thing by not offering Obama a honorary degree when he spoke at their campus. Notre Dame's reason? Because they don't believe in his agenda, especially in regards to abortion. Notre Dame is a Catholic based school who is very proud of their tradition. CNN referred to those who stuck to their morals as "religious kooks". This pisses me off. Granite, I'm not a big fan of Catholic theology, but give me a break. Anybody who is opposed to killing babies is a "religious kook"? Let me lay it out for you- abortion is wrong, period. Killing is not legal. And don't give me that crap that they are not people. If it's not a big deal, why is abortion such a hard thing to do? Why is it such a heavy decision? Why is it devastating on people and families? I mean, if it's just a mass of lifeless flesh why the emotional torture? Shouldn't it be just as easy as removing a tumor? But it's not that easy, is it? Because it's wrong. We are killing babies as a culture for selfish reasons; because we can't keep our pants on, because we don't want our parents to know we're sleeping around, because our career could be jeopardized, because it's not the right time, because it was a one night stand, etc.... This is ridiculous. In the end it all comes down to selfishness. We don't want to be inconvenienced. Boo-hoo. Selfishness is not a moral fiber, but yet we parade it around in this culture like we have the right to be selfish. Who said we have that right? Selfishness is a deadly virtue that God has never, never, NEVER even hinted at as being ok.

Then I listened to them hammer Sarah Palin about her up-coming book. Once again, I'm not siding with Sarah Palin, but the hypocrisy bugs me. They were bickering about about the convenience of the release date and how much money they thought she would make. However they never mentioned the fact that we can't go to the grocery store without being bombarded by Obama and all his books and propaganda floating about.

If your a liberal, I make no apologies, your wrong. I'm tired of being labeled a hypocrite, intolerant, a bigot, or a religious kook because I choose not to agree or conform to your agenda. You are the intolerant one, the hypocrite, the bigot, the religious agenda forcing party, I'm just returning the volley.

Think about it... CNN is proof that Darwin was wrong. Why? because our culture is turning our minds back into slimy goop.

Swimming

Blogger question- When you open your eyes underwater, do you ever worry that you'll drown?

This is a stupid question but funny non the less. When I read this question I think its asking me that when I open my eyes underwater do I then realize that I am actually under water and there is a possibility that I won't get back to the surface? I suppose so. But you have to understand how bad I am at swimming. I just kinda flounder and gasp for air. That's pretty much it. I've watched many good swimmers at the gym and on television and they make it look so smooth and almost poetic. Me, I panic the minute I start swimming and have to stop and gasp for air. I hate the water, but for some reason I love it all the same. Opening my eyes underwater actually kinda helps me to calm me down, its the trying to pretend to swim part that makes me worry I'm going to drown.

shadow puppets

Blogger question- what is your best shadow puppet?

I suck at shadow puppets. I think I can make a bunny rabbit and an ostrich looking thing with a tongue, thats about it. Its funny too, because whenever I try to make the ostrich I always have to make a gargling type sound effect and move the ostich's tongue around. I don't know why, but I always do it.
I tried to show Ethan my vintage shadow puppets a couple times. Whenever we hang out in our forts (our under the stairway closet or our snow day behind the couch sheets) we always have a flash light. So of course I always try to impress my son with my extremely cool ways. Ethan shows absolutely no interest whatsoever in my cheesy shadow puppets.

Ha- See, I was just testing you. I figured if I got quiet for awhile, maybe nobody would even notice if I came back. So I figured if everyone got sick of checking if I wrote anything or not they would just give up on me. In that case I have succeeded in making this a very isolated blog, almost a journal of sorts. So whether your there or not, here's what I've been up to:

LIFE WITH A 1 1/2 YEAR OLD.

That's it. Plain and simple. That's all I got enough energy for anymore.

In my down time I like to read. Hence, that's why I haven't blogged in 4 months. I'd rather be reading. I have had a list of blog ideas sitting on my nightstand forever now. In fact they have been there so long I completely forgot what I even wanted to say about these "clever ideas"

My life is awesome. I have a beautiful wife who is my best friend. I have been blessed with the coolest little boy in the world. An awesome mother-in-law who has graciously helped us out with our daycare bills. Enjoyed an awesome vacation in Florida with my parents. My sister is pregnant. I have a job (even though it sucks). I just hired on some help for my department. And i don't have the pig cold... yet.

I've been wrestling with the idea of Predestination. What an intense subject that is. i don't think I'm in the right frame of mind now to explain in detail what I mean. However I will say that studying this subject was very eye opening for me. At points it made me seriously doubt that God exists, but in the end has made me twice as convinced. The toughest part about realizing God exists is realizing that your not in control and but also that just because you think something should be a certain way doesn't necessarily mean it is or that its even the "right" way.

Gravity of realtiy

I met a guy today that has a blood clot in his left arm that extends all the way up into his armpit area. If the clot starts to break apart and travel to his lungs or heart he would instantly die. At any moment he could just... well... die. Can you imagine? Can you imagine dealing with the stress, grief and awareness of this kind of thing? Can you imagine wondering with every breath? Can you imagine having to prepare for this?

Last week Mallory and I watched a mother permanantley say good bye to her 2 year old daughter. Can you imagine? Can you imagine putting your own child in the ground? Can you imagine the what if questions you would ask yourself? Can you imagine what you would have to say to their siblings? Could you imagine the feelings you might have toward God?

I watched a close friend of mine wrestle with heart break. A pastors heart that has to constantly set aside relationships and acknowledge morality. He can either stand against the flow or ignore actions in the name of peace and love? Can you imagine watching every facet of your life continually turn away from morality? Can you imagine watching every strong hold of your life turn to immorality? Can you imagine crushing heartbreak over your parents, siblings, close friends and then finally your own girlfriend? Can you imagine carrying that burden? Can you imagine standing against all those that are close to you and individually telling them 'what you are doing is not right'. Can you imagine the heaviness and insanity? Can you imagine having to always be the role model or even parent of the family?

I read and experienced the story of a man who came to the realization that he only had six months to live. Can you imagine the dissapointment? Can you imagine the helplessness and sudden overwhelming fear of the unknown? Can you imagine your family having to move on? Can you imagine realizing your actually going to meet your maker?

I watched the news and saw an ice storm had conquered the south leaving hundreds of thousands stranded and without power. Can you imagine losing all your comforts in an instant? Within a 24 hour period you have become depedcent on handouts and a shelter for protection. Can you imagine the sudden fear and abandonment? The suddden helplessness? Can you imagine living life like this everyday like so many homeless families and abandones children do?

God.. love.. life.. reality... me... The the gravity of reality weighs heavy on my heart. I want it all to be perfect, I do. I don't understand why it's not. I don't understand God. I don't understand life and I don't think I want to. I just want to honestly and whole heartedly engage with it. So, how do I engage with it? God help me

daddy

I was standing in the living room and Ethan saw me. He dropped his toy, got down on all fours and made a b-line for me. His head was down and he bulldozed crawled toward me, never looking up. Once he got to me, he reached out one of his little hands and grabbed onto the leg of my jeans. His little hand grasped on and he pulled himself up with one hand using my leg. I knew I couldn't move. If I was to shift or move at all he would lose his balance and fall down. So there I stood, his rock. Standing, he only comes to just above my knees. He stood tall then looked up at me. His big eyes connected with mine and in that moment I knew he needed me, he wanted his daddy. He lifted up his arms and I bent down to pick him up. There we stood, holding each other. My son needed me and I held him close.

I heard a song the other day that made me think about my little boy. Will he ever stop needing me? Will he ever grow up and not need his daddy any more? I don't want to necessarily dive into my childhood, but I never stopped needing my dad. My dad was always the guy who would give me the independence and freedom to do and be whatever I wanted. As cool as this was, it was also very lonely. I needed my daddy. When I look back on my childhood, my dad is what I miss the most.

I say all this in awe of the power of a child and his dad. No matter how bad the relationship may grow. No matter how old a child may get. No matter how rough and rebellious a child becomes. A child will always need his dad. My son will always need his daddy. I will always need my dad.

I can't help but to see the relationship between us and God as well. You have to understand that I have never been good at intimacy. I have always had a very tough time engaging with guys. I think because me and my father never knew how to share intimacy, I am still not sure how to relate with male figures in my life, including "God". But because of my son and seeing the longing in his eyes, I can finally see my very intimate need for a Father. I can see myself in Ethan's shoes. An innocent love and longing for his daddy. I can also see God, not as an absent deity or Greek god, but a loving dad enjoying every moment with his son.

A sermon? seriously...

So, yesterday I heard a life changing sermon. I wasn't at church. I wasn't watching TV. I wasn't even listening to the radio. I made it all up in my head.

I meet with a friend of mine for coffee in the morning and he is always talking about the "Grace of God." "Oh by the grace of God... If not by the grace of God... Grace of God this and that." I have no idea what he is talking about.

My life doesn't feel full of grace, it feels empty sometimes... In fact most people who talk about the grace of God make me feel worse about myself than better. They make me feel like I never accomplish anything and if I finally do, I feel like I don't say the right things and give the credit to God instead of myself. They make me feel small and insignificant.

But as my friend and I were talking, he said something that triggered an avalanche in my head. He said, "there is nothing good apart from the grace of God. If it were left up to us we would destroy everything. Our marriages, our kids, our futures, everything"

My friend and I said our good byes and went about our daily business. But, for the first time I started to think about what "good" really means in my life. Good is anything joyful, delightful, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling, etc.. So anything joyful, delightful, rewarding, satisfying, or fulfilling is by the grace of God. So that means that anytime throughout my day that I may feel anything "good" it is the grace of God. God actually in my life... wait a minute.

(So this is where I literally had to stop my day of work, sit down and write everything down on piece of paper.)

Why? Why is it that anytime throughout my day that I may feel anything "good" it is the grace of God? (here's where I dive back into some of my schooling lodged back there in my brain someplace) It is the grace of God because this is not what we deserve. If we got what we deserved we would get hell and death, we deserve to be cast away from God. Why so harsh? Because hell and death, simply put, is the absence of God. God gave us as humans a unique independence. We have chose, and unfortunately everyday we continue to choose to separate ourselves from God in all sorts of fashions. We are continually separating ourselves farther from God than we could ever pull ourselves closer. God is life. God is love. God doesn't experience like we do, God is and we experience his presence. That means that any feelings of good I may have or anything good that happens in my life is the grace of God, something I don't deserve, Him working in my life and giving me an experience of himself.

Then, the life changing word popped into my head: Privilege. So if I deserve to be cast away from God, than any aspect of his character in my life is a privilege. Anything good that happens to me is a privilege, not a right or something I have earned. A privilege, interesting thought...

Running is a privilege, being able to read is a privilege, forgiveness is a privilege, another day of waking up is a privilege, having people care about me is a privilege. Every single opportunity in my life is a privilege.

Every single opportunity in my life is a privilege... as I thought this over my heart began to fill with life and color. I looked around and saw a homeless guy riding a bicycle. I no longer wondered where God was in this mans life. I saw God in this mans ability to even walk and ride a bike. That he lived in this country where jobs are available if you apply yourself. A country where soup kitchens reach out to those in need. The fact that he even had a bike. That he had no obligations to anything. I saw God in the fact that he's independent and gets to choose how he wants to deal with life.

By the grace of God... He gives me life and oppurtunity everyday. Even when I don't think I need Him there or even want Him there...

The Shack

I just finished reading a book called "The Shack." There is no doubt in my mind that this is my favorite of all time. I have had a lot of people warn me about it's theology, but I loved it none the less. The book is about a guy who meets God in "the shack." I'm not looking to the book to be my bible, but I totally long for parts of it to be true. I know it's piece of fiction literature, but it does a really really really good job of making God real and accessible. I appreciate that. Especially when I'm going through my own ups and downs, wondering where God is in the midst of it all. I can't wait to read it again...