angry

I haven’t blogged much lately because I have been angry and living in sin. I have been very angry. I have been down right bitter. In fact I have been so bitter I forget what I was so bitter about to start with. I have been lost in a whirlwind of anger. Everything is spinning around me in this blur and occasionally I’ll catch a glance of something going on in my life. I have been so angry about my past, my parents, work, school, intimacy, etc… You name it I was enraged over it. I could picture myself being 80 years old and blaming God for how my one shot at life turned out. I thought I deserved more from God…

unbelief

All sin is rooted in unbelief.

The Lord spoke, "Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself? Job 40:8

Pride has dominated my life

Wow, have I been ensnared in a trap of lies! Pride has dominated my life! For the so many weeks now I have been gloomy and depressed, mopping around like a dillweed. What makes me think I deserve anything? Pride had choked out any sensibility I had. I found myself bitter about every little thing because it justified my pride. In my mind God was wrong and I was right. Bitterness over broken situations was just feeding my ego because it proved to me that everyone else is wrong, nobody can get it right, and everyone else is to blame for my life.

Or could it be that I don’t deserve a thing, in fact the only thing I might deserve is to be given over to my own desires. For God to turn me over to my anger and pride and let them control my life.

That sounds exactly like what’s happening to… what a minute…

bearing the burden

Mike,

How long will you keep bearing the burden? How long will you keep trying to carry the weight you have taken upon yourself? When will you trust God? How much will it take?

You can hardly stand on your own anymore…

Little sayings!?!?

~Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

~What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things, instead of using people and loving things.

These little sayings keep popping up in my life. Constantly pecking at me and my need for humility. I struggle with humility. My pride is deep. My soul wants the attention. My soul craves control. Can I ever fully trust Him to care for me in that most vulnerable state?

The exorcism of Emily Rose

My wife shared with me a very interesting thought from the movie: The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

When Emily was given the option to call it quits and just die or to keep fighting the devil inside of her, she chose to keep fighting her horrendous possession. Her reason was “How can they not believe in God, if I show people the devil.”

The movie: Signs

Signs is one of my all time favorite movies. In the movie, a man gives up on God because of a tragic accident. He states that he will no longer waste any of his life on prayer. This is a fantastic depiction of how I sometimes feel when something seems to be ripped from my hands. Is there even a God? Why am I wasting my time doing this and that only to be left feeling abandoned instead of blessed? Signs dives deep into the sense of abandonment this man feels from God. The end of the movie gives a chilling analogy that there are no coincidences. Everything has happened for a reason. I found myself in awe with goose bumps. A sobering reality: life is not random, whether I like the circumstances or not.

Does God understand?

I find myself completely disappointed this week. I feel like I have been overlooked and let down by my church yet again. I know God has my best interest at heart, but it sure doesn't feel like it lately. I'm not entirely sure where that leaves me. I want to walk away completely but yet I also know that God will use these situations to help me grow. I'm pissed off, I'm bitter, I feel burned, I feel let down, and I'm not so sure I want to trust again. Does God understand? In these times, do I really believe that God is walking beside me? that I am not alone?

Drugs?

I have to share this story with you...

This past week a friend of mine asked me about drugs. Are drugs a sin and why?

You see, his lifestyle leads him to a group of people that live and die by the gun. God is an absent being to them; why else would their lives reflect such hardship.

I honestly had to look my friend in the eye and tell him that yes drugs and this lifestyle are a sin. This took him back. I guess a street evangelist from the night before had confronted his friends and their life style. His had the hardest time wrapping his mind around this. "This isn't fair, his friends are just making life work. They are doing the best they can with the hand they have been dealt", right? I can’t say I blame him. I have been there too. I was once very much involved in the street life.

The question I possessed to him in response was, who is God? You see, we all set up images of who we think God would be if we were God. And when life doesn’t add up to what we want, we think God doesn’t exist. This lifestyle is about the fast and furious temporary highs; Sex, drugs, alcohol, fast cars and guns. All of these are highs that make us feel like we are in control. It is not about the lifestyle they have been dealt, but instead the lifestyles they have chosen to deal with life. When we look away from God, we find darkness, desperation, hopelessness and broken hearts. The drug is not the sin, what we do with the drug is the sin. Sin is choosing or own ways. Sin is us worshiping ourselves or materials in place of God.

Do we worship creation, or Creator?

Interesting thought

As Christ witnesses, our task is not to prove that Jesus Christ is real and is the Son of God, that we can never do. Instead, our role is to show by the way we speak and act that we really believe He is.
~Richard Armstrong

Do I really believe He is? In my heart of hearts, do I really believe Jesus is my only savior. Or instead do I look to my status, my career, drugs or alcohol, my education level, the government, my family, my spouse, my dreams and life ambitions. Not that these things are bad, but how often do I look to tangible sources to comfort me, before I look to the One True Source of rest and peace?

God is also God of the future

"God is also the God of the future. We don't step out into the unknown alone." Craig Loscalzo

This brings a sigh of relief into my life at a time when I most desperately need Him: we don't step out into the unknown alone. Often I tend to overwhelm myself with future tasks and "what ifs?". God promises He is my closest friend, my teacher, my bridegroom. God is in complete control, do I trust Him? Do I believe He will pull through like He has promised?