daddy

I was standing in the living room and Ethan saw me. He dropped his toy, got down on all fours and made a b-line for me. His head was down and he bulldozed crawled toward me, never looking up. Once he got to me, he reached out one of his little hands and grabbed onto the leg of my jeans. His little hand grasped on and he pulled himself up with one hand using my leg. I knew I couldn't move. If I was to shift or move at all he would lose his balance and fall down. So there I stood, his rock. Standing, he only comes to just above my knees. He stood tall then looked up at me. His big eyes connected with mine and in that moment I knew he needed me, he wanted his daddy. He lifted up his arms and I bent down to pick him up. There we stood, holding each other. My son needed me and I held him close.

I heard a song the other day that made me think about my little boy. Will he ever stop needing me? Will he ever grow up and not need his daddy any more? I don't want to necessarily dive into my childhood, but I never stopped needing my dad. My dad was always the guy who would give me the independence and freedom to do and be whatever I wanted. As cool as this was, it was also very lonely. I needed my daddy. When I look back on my childhood, my dad is what I miss the most.

I say all this in awe of the power of a child and his dad. No matter how bad the relationship may grow. No matter how old a child may get. No matter how rough and rebellious a child becomes. A child will always need his dad. My son will always need his daddy. I will always need my dad.

I can't help but to see the relationship between us and God as well. You have to understand that I have never been good at intimacy. I have always had a very tough time engaging with guys. I think because me and my father never knew how to share intimacy, I am still not sure how to relate with male figures in my life, including "God". But because of my son and seeing the longing in his eyes, I can finally see my very intimate need for a Father. I can see myself in Ethan's shoes. An innocent love and longing for his daddy. I can also see God, not as an absent deity or Greek god, but a loving dad enjoying every moment with his son.